Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Sarge Returns with Top Ten BEST weight losing tips - LOSE THE FAT!!!

Hi there I am -- RECORD SCRATCH SOUND!!! Just kidding it's me sarge. Had ya goin' there, you bought it. Anyway, you might have noticed I've been under UN house arrest the last 16 months, due to a couple warcrimes I committed during Le Volcano War.

This Log message is for losing weight QUICKLY. Obviously the fastest way is to just chew off your own arm like Sarge does. Obviously the reason we don't do something that idiotic is cuz of the calories in 1 human arm (give you a hint, it's worse than a Twinky!)

So there are 2 aspects to losin' weight: eating, or hard exercises like pushing trees over. Let's do it!

EATING

There are so many foods you might consider eating: celery, oats, or pigs. Sometimes it can be hard to decide which time you should each which one. Here's a handy pneumonic guide for you shit heads to learn it from.

Just Roll Into A Grave And Sarge Will Do The Rest

JRIYGRATSBY - it's easy! Basically though, here's how to know:

CELERY: Eat this whenever you need a quick Crunch. Sometimes if I'm at a funeral of a man who once dared oppose me, I will wait for the Preist to execute the Moment of Silents, at which point I shall bequeath unto my jacket pocket where I have stored a large husk of celery. then a louuuud echoey CRUNNNNCH is heard, ruinin the moment of silents and making numberous women even more upset. Then pull a gun and rob the place! U can usually make a quick 20 bucks this way which is enough to get some decent food, not this gross rabbit food, yuck!!!

OATS: Oats is the main ingredient of a man. Each morning I reach into this giant vat labeled "SARGES OATS" and grasp a great heaping handful of freshened Oats. I put them on the dungeon floor and deliver 18 Throttling Haymaker attacks unto the oats. This unlocks the flavour.
Two warnings about oats: one, for some reason oats attract a TON of bugs. I'm talking like 1000 bugs a day at LEAST. There's bugs literally crawling all over the keyboard and my hands as I type this. Get out of here, you damn bugs!!!

PIGS: Pigs have some kind of strange natural armor which makes them almost impervous from most attacks. Heres the way I do it: grab a pig. Stick him in a very small submarine and shoot him to the bottom of the ocean. when he's down there make sure he sees some scary sharks and squids and stuff. Then when he comes back up, the SECOND he walks out of the submarine pull out your trusty side-arm and blow his ass away. I'm talkin put one RIGHT between his eyes. "Sayonara, you no good piece of Dog shit!!!" I exclaimed. The pig was slain.

The other way you can lose weight is by performing hard tasks.

  • While standing on a commercial ferry or other boat, head-butt the floor hard enough to rupture the hull. Burns 100 Calories.
  • Go to a foot ball game and ask the football team to try and kill you. Deflect their attacks (remember: block any high attacks, but if they go for ur nutsack they are vulnerable for a Sweep kick. When they are down, shoot them in the head, you don't know these people, they might be psychos or something), and deliver hateful punches repeatedly until they are all dead. Burns 200 Calories.
  • Visit a mausoleum and pull each dead corpse out of the earth until u find the corpse of a old rich guy like Roland Reagan or scrooge mcDick or something. Then Get your Raid on on them pockets!!! What's this a $20 I spy with my lil' eye, why yes good sir I do believe I do declare!!! :) Don't tell the Feds.  Burns 300 calories
  • Chew Off your Own Arm. Burns 500 Calories
  • Install a cybor Robot arm with Weapon Attachment. I recently did this. I now have a rotocannon in place of an arm which is great for most things EXCEPT ironically eating breakfast (So much for savings...)


Anyway, i hope this helps. By the way, here's a funny pic!!! Keeps you inspired, you don't wanna look like THIS guy in your bathing trunks!




Monday, April 8, 2013

Top 100,1 Funniest Jokes!

Guys I don't have time, I am in a whole new kind of war, where man is pitted against man in a brutal war for dominance in a medieval style.


pfft you gotta be kidin me get the hell out of 
here with your crap ass joke.


Here are the jokes, use them for your purposes!

JOKE ONE - This is a new joke that I created.  Requires 2 participants for perfect execution.  GO!

Person 1:  Hey there, do you know any good Baseball puns?

Person 2:  Yes.  Batman got punched in the face by a badguy and his butthole closed up forever.


JOKE TWO - a good joke for parties

Me:  I should change my name to "Fuck" so whenever someone says "yo, Fuck!"  I can turn around and be like "you called?" Or possibly "no I wont marry you


JOKE THREE - ultimate joke

Man 1:  pulls out a rocket saw and kills man 2

Man 2:  Did you really think that would work?  Ha ha ha ha ha!  Your nightmare... has only ... just BEGUN!!!


JOKE FOUR - Coops joke.

Cop 1:  Alright fellar you're under errest get in the jail RIGHT NOW!!!

Robber:  But sir, I didnt do anything.  You got the wrong guy!

Cop 1:  No.  Cop 1 always gets his man.


JOKE FIVE - Le French jokee (this one is kind of racist sorry)


French Man:  Hey u guys got any bread or french fries???


Clown:  No

Barber:  no

Rabbeye:  No, but I do have some of these Jewish bread!!!


JOKE SIX:  Final Joke - tell this joke to a man while he is on his deathbed.

Barnacle Bill:  Son, i want you to have my fortune when I die.

Barnacle Bill Jr.:  Don't say that dad!  But also ok cool thanks, can I dumb your fortune into the sea as a sign of disrespect?

Barnacle Bill:  OK.  But don't let your mother find out I spent all the fortune on wine and cheese before I died, She HATES cheese!

Barnable Bill Jr:  (this is the funny part)  Holy Shit!



Monday, March 4, 2013

World's top 4 Crunchiest Food

Sarge here.  Just doing a quick check to see what the worlds crunchy foods are.  Probably celery?  OK, it's time to go!

My lawyer said I need more photos on my website to get more money so i added it.

#1 - CELERY




CELERY is the crunchiest damn thing I ever saw.  If you put peanunt butter and celery together in a bloodmatch, only one would come out alive... Anyway, I woke up the neighbors last night from eating like 180 lbs of CELERY, which I had to do cuz I gotta bulk up for my wheight training. Believe it or not, the years have not been good to sarge and his legs & bone marrow have withered to almost nothing.  But, within hours I will have myself back to to Peak Potential for Max Karnage.


#2 - OATS


"What's that you're crunchin' on, Paw?  Oh, it's just some of these damned OATS!" - the commercial we know

Since 1995, OATS have been a regimen part of my diet.  It was just after I sacked some enemy farmlands, when I noticed that I could be utilizing the OATS pastures to refuel my body, which at that point had very few cyborg implance.

For now, I'll take some OATS, thank you.  Becuase when a Crunch is In, it's Crunchin' Munch. :)


#3 - BONE MEALS


If you're gonna eat human flesh, chances are you're gonna find a bone or 2.  In fact, I found a entire SKELETON inside the body of several of my most famined enemies.  For instance, Luthor Grodoxius of the Destruct-o Clan of south america.  He insulted me at one point during the war by bringing a battle with too few firepower, so after he died I made sure to have his relatives send me his corpse for "further testing".  Of course, what they DIDNT Know is I was about to go "Cruncho Crounch" on this Groucho!!!  CEEEE-RUNCH!  (PS His blood got everywhere)

#4 - Chives


I've never had chives but I have heard War stories about their crunchyness.  In fact, one time I faked a Chive Crunch to get out of jail free!!!  The guard was sittin' there reading PLAYBOY MAGAZINE when I said "Hey guard watch out for this crunch CEEEEERUNCH!" and the guard was super startled, so bad that he smashed his head on the wall and a river of blood poured from his brain like a sainted chailce of eternal slimber.  Was pretty gross, but I grabbed his keys, wallet, and gold teeth and was like SAYIORAMA SUCKERS!  Fueled up the ol' jetpack and when shooting through the sky like "cool this is awesome!"

#3 - Real Hot (tm) Crunchers


Obviously u can't make a Crunch list without talkin' bout Realhots.  I once met the Maker of these celestial candies, Earnest J Realhots, Jr.  He and I got along great, until one day when I saw a ghost hiding behind a tree.  I quickly pulled the pin from my grenade and then radioed for help.  "Help" i said into the grenade which had a radio in it.  I lobbed my trusty pineapple (the grenade) at the ghosts fuckin' head, and KER PLOOM, the ghost got a real wake up call THAT night that's for sure.  I slung the ghost's corpse over my neck.  On the way home I also used a bow and arrow with explosive tip on something.

When I got home, Earnest had moved out.  He said things didn't work out between us.  To this day if I ever find that guy, it's bow and arrow with explosive tip for THAT punky bruiser....

#4 - Sandwiches (Depending on what u put on em)


I know lots of people are like sandwiches what thats not tasty OR crunchy - I know, I know.  Give sarge a little credit here.  You know I've been #1 blogger on the internet for like 7 years or somecrap?  What the heck you damn kids can't have it any way you want it!!!

If you put something crunchy on your toast, like:  Olives, Paprika, Ghost meat, Olives, or hard stuff like vines, you'll be in good shape for a hearty crunch that even makes your doctor say "Can I have Some Other  Sandwiches Please???"

#5 - Basically, anything crunchy!


Seriously folks, the point of this article isn't just for sarge to TELL you what's crunchy.  You're a goddamn adult, you son of a bitch, figure it out yourself!!!!  Fuck off!!!!  But really, it's time to Get Createive.  Just think about it:  what's crunchy in YOUR Life?  Do you have an old something or other lying in the back of the Fridge that you don't know how it got there?  Give it a GRUNCH for your old pal Sarge.  It's not a problem.

Got any suggestsions or FAQ?  Let me know.  If you email anything bad expect a dozen military style ninjitsus to come BOWLING through your door like a ton of bricks.  Can you withstand the blows from 1000 parry attacks of my katana?  I don't think so.  Until then:  Just Giv'em da Grunch!!!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Disable you to the TRASH BIN!!!

Sarge here.  Just got in from a new war that I started - did I tell you that I'm in the army (some put it like, sarge IS a G.D. army himself!)  I'm winning the war because of sheer might.

Anyway, during this war, I had a lot of time to sit and think, while I was running through the jungle with machine gun, killing people with machine gun.  You wouldn't know that I was thinking about deep thoughts for my next blog post, because my face was smeared with blood and tire-oil and I was screaming at the top of my lungs and shooting everybody, but I did.

One of those thoughts was "man I wonder if I can disable a guy to the trash bin".  I was thinking like with a reverse / left hand elbow Throroughbread clap, I could probably remove his will to life.  Then, when he's not looking, I pull out a revolver from my back pocket, put a pillow over his face and say 'goodbay, asshole.' and pull the trigger.  His head explodes into guts and I'm like "damn!  lost another one!"

some men worship me in solace

So the question is how to DISABLE a man to the trash bin, not just dumb his corpse there.  Speaking of which, I really gotta clear out all the corpses from my lawn.  I think theres like 3 of them there stankin' up da Joint!!

If you have any feedback/critique on how to disable a man preferbaly to the trashbin/recycling foundry, just let me know.

PS.  in the war im fighting gangs of evil thugs.  one of them looked like saddam husseins moustache after I was done with him.  I took a gun and went bang bang bang bang bang and at first he deflected ALL fire with some kind of proton shield.  Her'es the dialog that took place:

SARGE:  Proton shield?  What is this cruel dichotomy?

SADDAM:  I, Saddam Hussein, am from the future.  In the future, everyone has proton shield (he sounds like a Russian accent guy)

SARGE:  No way!  I've been to the future and only alien criminal have Proton shield in the future!!

SANDDAM:  Damn you found me!  Well no matter, u'll be dead soon from this Bank Buster Bomb!! *heaves a BBB at my forehead*

SARGE: No!   *swirls my cape around in a circle to create a vortext, which sucks BBB into hell.*

SANDMA:  Damit!

SARGE:  Hey Saram hussein, guess what?  In the future, Gauss rifles go THROUGH proton shits!

SADDAMN:  no god damn way is that true

SARGE:  Yeah it does, *whips out a gauss*

SADDANM:  fuck!

SARGE:  Goodbye, asshole *pulls revolver from my back pocket, pillow over face, goodbey asshole*  Saddamn is Dead.

CROWD OF GENTLEMEN:  Yay sarge, don't worry sarge you're our best friend!  It's ON THE HOUSE!  ON THE ROCKS!!!! :)  just then all of the men smile and hug me but I walk off into the sunset because they were mean to me before and I havent forgotten.  O just one more thing, remember that crowd of gentlemen?  Well guess what gents, see that huge bomb you're sitting on?  I put that there and if i press this button, you all die.  so don't CROSS me!!!

(this picture not of sarge just a nice picture i found) (smile a day keeps the doctor away lol)

Monday, September 3, 2012

Sarge Mansion

Hey guys.  Just wanted to let you all know that I took up Archeitecture as a new hobby.  I am gonna build my own house!!  It's been too long that I have lived in the presidential dungeon.  A man of my phyiscque deserves a really cool house!   Coolhouse blues doot doororeodee! :o)

Okay so without any further ados and adonts heres the MANSION!

LAYOUT

The mansion is cool in that it actually when viewed from above reads "Sarge is The best" in script.  My friend said it is cool.  the way it works is that people walk in through the S and its a lonnnnnng path to the very end.  It's all on 1 floor so Good luck carashing any blimps into it!!!!  Blimps are garbage, they will never destroy my home.  I hate blimbs and they're stupid!  Damn blimps!

ROOM #1

When u first walk in, there's an axe that comes up chopping through the floor (like chop chop chop chop chop sort of).  If you walk through there u are gonna get chopped for sure.

ROOM #2

It looks like a normal, completely empty room.  Then you walk halfway through and WHAM!  You get hit IN THE FACE with a HUGE log.  that'll kill ya :)

ROOM #3

this room is just FULL of fire

ROOM #4

Soldiers have been hired and are trained to shoot anyone who tries to make it through THIS caucous room.  Step one foot in, get sniped.  Your buddy tries to save you?  Also sniped, head shot, you're both dead!!!!

ROOM #5

This room looks like a hospital.  You walk in and a doctor says "hi patient, please lied down on this table".  Only then he takes out a damn Medical buzz saw and saws your head off and kicks it into a basket labeled "garbage".  then he inserts a needle into your vein... and carefully adminsters a poisonous concoction:  that's right - lethal injection, little lady!.  Too bad u tried to INVADE THE WRONG HOUSE!!!

ROOM #6

There's a huge diamond on a pedestal.  and it looks like no one's guarding it.  As soon as you touch the crystal though I chuck a grendade at your face and blow it to smithereens Asswipe.

ROOM #7

Storage room, mostly flamethrower ammo & Gun cartridges & a knife.  If you try to go in here I have a tripline, which will trigger all the guns to shoot at a bomb destroying the entire building.  Nice try, Waldo!

ROOM #8

Poison gas

ROOM #9

This is the workout room!  When you walk in theres a pool.  Water's fine so you feel "oh while im here I'll just go for a dip, sarge shouldn't be home before noon!!!"  Yeah well guess what, I'm already in the pool, floating around, with a giant harpoon gun.  The SECOND you go under the water and see me I start shooting harpoons at you.  You escape from your life, just barely, when very suddely you are STRUCK with a harpoon!!!  And then a giant squid comes and electriutes you causeing all your causmetic imlpants to explode.

ROOM #10 Final Room

If you made it to the last room in the building you must have been strong so here's where I will be sitting on a giant chair.  I will ask you questions slowly and calmly and you will be really nervous with sweat pouring out of your pants leg. This is because I have a revolver and its pointed at you and still smoking from the LAST guy who came in here.  The line of questioning is like "do you wanna work for sarge as a right hand man?"  and then no matter what you say, I press a button on the side of my revolver which opens a trap door that releases a baker's dozen of LIONS.  You are like "no sarge please" but its too late.  But then you releasize that this is actually a Test!  And you start fighting the lions with your halberd.  You're doing battle and you defeat several of them fighting valiamtly when suddenly I just shoot you in the back and you fall down and the lions eat you.


Anyway thanks for reading!  I hope you all enjoy my new home as much as I do.  Chances are, it's a fun place to live :D

Blimps suck,
 - Sarge

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

"Doom Potatos", a FREE short story

Hello folks!  Whether you're rich or living in filth, you can both nod along to this hearty truth:  "free shit, give it down".  Well, here it comes, in the form of a FREE short story from Sarge.  Enjoy the deception and intriguie!


ACT I:  IN SPACE
A couple of astronauts are floating around in deep space.  When suddenly, an asteroid appears.

Astronaut 1:  Oh no, an asteroid!

Astronaut 2:  It's okay.  Refer to the manual, there's gotta be SOME way for us to destroy this God-damn thing.

Astronaut 1:  Okay let me use a detonating bomb... wait a second... is that a-

Astronaut 2:  This asteroid... what is it made from???

Astronaut 1:  THAT'S NO ASTEROID....

Astronaut 1 and 2 in unison:  That's a POTATO!!!

Then blood shoots out of the asteroid's helmets and splashes against the screen and it says "SARGE PRESENTS", and then their legs explode in blood and it says "A AWESOME MOVIE...", then their torsos explode and they scream and you hear a bell when it says "DOOM POTATOS".  Then you hear a voice cackling into deep space and the camera pans down to Earth.


ACT II:  In the church.

In this scene there is a church thing, and the priest, Mr. Tomuels, is giving a lecture about God and stuff.  There's no one in the audience except one wry WASHBUCKLER in the back.

Tomuels:  And so the lord, with his washy bosom did crespice the mule, and the mule was crespiced.  With his thy humble hand he did then uncrespice that same mule, until each mule was unto itself a mule uncrespiced.  Deliver the (at this moment he notices that the WASHBUCKLER is walking up to him with a big heavy sack)  Excuse me sir?

Washbuckler:  Hey priest, look what I found out back in the dumpster?  (he empties the sack which is full of golden beautiful potatos.  He looks up at the priest who is confused).  Potatos.

Tomuels:  I can see they are God damn potatoes, but why have you just spilt them on my crespice???

Washbucklers:  Somethin' ain't right about these potatos, milord... I reckon they're POISONED they are

Tomeuls:  Oh, well in that case let me use my magic powers of God to cleanse ---

Washbucklers:  Nuh uh.  That earthly magic won't work on these potatos.  These are potatos from another world.... these is....  (said in unison with the priest)  DOOM POTATOS.

Tomeuls:  Doom potatos?  What is that?

Washbucklers:  No, I can't tell ye.  It's too terrible for the human brain to imagine about.  It's space potatos and they got the power to make a man's blood explode.

Tomeuls:  Why hasn't it made your blood explode?

Washbucklers:  Cuz I ain't made from blood like you and me.  I'm made from of salt water and pidgeon oil, I reckon, and I sure-as-shit ain't gonna die from no stupid Tato!  (Just then the potatos start to rumble and a very high pitched voice can be heard sqeualing)

Tomeuls:  My... my blood.  MY ACHING BLOOOOOOOOOD!!!  (Kaboom, his blood explodes and he falls to the ground, stiff as a dead dog.  The washbuckler shakes his head, and then gets up on stage and pushes the priest over towards the side of the room, and leaves.)


ACT III:  The Main Character!

In this scene we finally meet the main character and it is indeed mr. bruce willis (when he appears pause for the audience to shout and go "woo" and stuff and then resume).  He is in a futuristic hotel room with like 5 refridgerators in it!!!  ;)

Bruce:  Man, ive heard about these Doom potato murders, but I just can't get to the bottom of the crimes.  Maybe I should talk to my robot dog Stanly about it.

Stanly:  Yes Sir Bruce Willis?

Bruce:  Stanly!  Get me the doom potato files, and also use some deduction to find out the motives of the crime.

Stanly:  Ok.  I figured it out, boss.  The crime is being committed by Dark lord Gauss Albatross and his evil minions of f-

Bruce:  That's enough information (opens one of his fridges and finds a low fat yogurt)  I am on a diet, I better eat this yogurt, (then he opens the yogurt really FAST and manly and just THROWS the entire yoguert in his mouth with quick jerking motion and almost ALL of it goes in).  Off I go!  (He grabs an ancient crossbow and kicks his door down).


ACT IV:  The Final Venganece

Bruce is sitting on that same potato asteroid as from the beginning (the scene is book ended from da beginning, go check).  He has no space suit but he's fine.

Bruce:  I guess that yogurt really DID make me able to breath space air :D

Bruce:  Okay now to solve this crime.  Hmmmm...  (as he is thinking, a gross arm PUNCHES through the potato astroid hes sitting on and grabs his ankle.)  Oh FU-*BLEEEP* he exclaims.  (Then the arm pulls him down into the potato and hes getting potato juice all over his sweater.  Eventually he reaches the potatos icy center where Dark Lord Gauss is trapped in the mashed potato and now so is Bruce.)

Dark Lord Gauss:  Hahahaha!  You fell right into my trap, Bruce Willis.  Didn't you think it was maybe a trap?

Bruce:  I did consider that it could be a trap but, I dunno!!!  Now tell me why you're killing all of the people!

Dark Lord Gauss:  You'll never learn my motive Bruce.  BEcuase you are going to die RIGHT HERE from an exploded blood problem, ha ha ha ha ha!  Better get your doctor to warn you about the dangers of EXPLODED BLOOD!  Hey bruce when was the last time u got your BLOOD PRESSURE checked out, the pressure is so much it will explode.

Bruce:  Wait a second.... (cool music starts playing as it goes to a flashback.  In slow motion it shows that the yogurt he ate before wasnt yogurt at all.  It was a science liquid that gives the user immunity to blood explosion and also the ability to breathe space as air, and also the ability to punch someone the fuck out)

Dark Lord Guass:  (realizing his power is not working on Bruce)  What???  What the hell!??  (bruce starts walking through the potato mush towards Dark Lord.)  Wait!  Don't punch me out yet.  I will tell you my motive now!!!!  (Then bruce PUNCHES him the fuck out.  We see the space potato EXPLODE and bruce willis is flying unconscious and all burned back to earth)


ACT V: 

Bruce is sitting around the table with his family which he got after the story ended.

Wife:  Bruce do you want some potatos with your breakfast?

Bruce:  (looks at the camera with a creepy grin for like 4 seconds)  then he says "no thanks dear Ive had enough potatos for a life.

Then he and his wife EXPLODE into blood, and the blood melts down off the screen and it says "DOOM POTATOS."

The End.

If you enjoyed this make sure to e-mail me $25 dollars.  sorry, I changed my mind about it being free, so pay up!!!!!



Tuesday, May 15, 2012

BABY: CORPORAL JACKHAMMER, A.D.

SARGE HAD A BABY

I didn't really "have" a baby, but I do now HAVE a baby as I kidnapped it and trained it to be strong like sarge.

His name is Corporeal Jackhammer, A.D. and he is two and a half years old.   I expect to deliver new news on him all the time later, unless he is destroyed before dusk.