Tuesday, May 27, 2008

BIRDS, BIRDS BIRDS

I have a freiand which I communicate with through a secret panel behind a pile of bricks. He is a "bird afronologiest" which is i think spanish word for "guy who likes birds". He even tells me a little bit about Birds so I thought I'd clear up a couple SEVEN COMMON MYTHS ABOUT BIRDS.



1. Birds are NOT SO FRIENDLY - TRUE - There are all this movie about "Bird gone Wild" and "Follow this bird" and "dont put a bird there" which SHOULD warn you about the danger of sleeping with a bird or allowing 2 birds to guard your children unattended. Well sarge is here to tell you you mgiht as well just put em back in the WOMB and pray for MERCY from ALLAH cuz the birds will eat your worm children like they were A BUNCH OF DAMN WORMS!!!! Keep birds away from all skin rashes because they can smell discomfort.

2. Birds are attracted to TRASHY SIDEWALKS & co. - TRUE - If you have a friend who wears "I'm Just a Crap" shirts, NOW is the time to tell him to start moving his legs cuz you are going to open the door of the car and push him out! Birds simply LOVE anyone who goes to "I & Karaoke" shows or anything Trendy like "MTVs LOud Beats Raps Station", so keep them at an arms distance for your own sake.

3. Birds that can TALK??? NO way - FALSE - YES way. Some birds can talk except theres one problem--- when SARGE talks he "thinks it through", hes got the knowledge and the fortuns to back it up. SARGE knows the in and outs of the city and can point you in a right direction. A damn greasy BIRD? Well he can lead you down a filthy trench so he can steal all your corn and peck your hair out until you go bald from all the BLOOD! So don't listen to a word they say, birds are LIARS KNOWN AND PROVEN.

4. Birds are the oldest known living substance - -FALSE - it is true that birds are the oldest known geometric substance, except it is possible that there would be a monster living in the center of the earth. probably this monster would be made of liquid lava and molten rock and preside at a hot temp. (TEMPERATURE YOU GODDAMN MORONS, ITS SLANG, JESUS GET WITH THE PROGRAM, WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THIS, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR EDUACAATIONS SYSTEM IF EVERY TIME I USE A TECHNICAL "JARGONS" LIKE "LASERITES" or A SHORTENING OR ACRONOM YOU ARE LIKE "WHAT THE???" AND I HAVE TO GO AND EXAMINE YOUR HEAD FOR YOU, GROW A SOMETHING IN YOUR SKUL BESIDES BEING A USEFUL PLANT FOR MY WINDOWSILL). This creature would be probabyl becoming 8,000 years old next week, which would make him older than you or I combined.

5. Birds & Sharks: An unholy trinity? - FALSE - While it is true that the American Bible says 200 gasps of sharks & birds are supposed to collapse our Library system in the year 20212, it isnt likely to happen any time soon. Don't worry about your weird relaigous beleif. I will have to write another sermon on this some time soon.

6. Bird Biologiy? - FALSE - This has been disproven several times but perhaps i need to give you a god damn refresher courses:

1. the Indians invaded Britain in 2000 AD, and during this time Mostradaoumous was reading a lot about birds, he discorever they were mammals and they had a core CPU temp of 90%.

2. Dice Challinger 3D, a British Pope from the year 1999, also discovered some fascinating bird orthinology when he discovered a book about birds which was under the old train tracks behind the house.

NEED MORE INFO? GO FIGURE IT OUT!

7. Last but not least DON'T MAKE GENETIC DNA "BIRD BABY" - TRUE - While it is clear that the long lasting effects of this would be DESASTOURUMS, do NOT do it because it would have lONG LASTING SIDE EFFECTS. A "BIRD BABY" as they are called would not be able to say anything except vicious lies (out of a filthy bird beak? half human??? this is GROTSEUQE!). He would tell the police where you hid all the bodies and he would probably reveal your Secret Security number to the rest of the wrestlers in the ring allowing them to """ring" your neck" with debt"! Let's see you put THAT down as a reason for leaving your last job!


I hope that I have cleared up many of the OUtlandish misconstruancies, some of which have harbored terrorists likely to blow a hole in the side of the building the size of 10,000 grapes. Grapes btw are the birds least favorite fruit, if you must eat something leave them the grapes, eat all the good stuff so that when it comes "Feedin' Time" all they got to eat is those lumpy purple craps.

No comments: