This morning when i thrust out of my beddings, I was so thirsty that I drank a can of water. "Ugh, what is this bogus dish?" I shouted into the mirror. Turns out it was "Water", a disgusting blend of hydrogen, atomogens, oxygen, and high fructose corn syrup. I throwed the can into the air and then pulled out my Gauss rifle to bid that broad goodbye. "BANG" the can said as it was struck by a lightning round of Gauss!
That mystery was solved, but the problem is, what the hell? Because I found out that over half of the population has water coming into their home. Yet it tastes like if you dropped a small dog into a vial of blood, shook it around and said "merry christmas". No thanks.
The first place I looked for answers was the monstary. Apparently, these bald monks believe that when they die, their bodies will become two thirds water! For this reason, they take all their hair and chop it off with a rusty katana, "so That each strand might feel anguish as it crumbles to the ground like a dusty gargoyle!" (Page 1, The bahdhavraghita). I met a man named Jonald Monk, he was very kind, except for until I told him that water tastes like a rusty grape! He assumed a vacous Doom stance, to which I replied with a Raucus Tumbler! Taken aback by my mixed martial artistry, the monk was too surprised to defend himself. I was then in a position to strike. I whispered a zesty word into my watch, and in a moment the monstary was surrounded by KICKASS SWAT TEAMS!!! The monk finally surrended. Later that night, he was on his knees with his hands behind his head, and I took my gun and said "Goodbye, ass-hole" and shot him in the face! He survived though, and now we're friends.
Anyway, water is disgusting, and I don't drink it anymore. I only drink RAPID ALE, the only ALE that shoots into faces so fast I can't even tell what is happening. If you are thirsty and looking for a bed-time snack, I recommend TROPICAL BRONZE BEERE. It's Tropical! And finally, for when those Christmasy jesus types appear at your door, I recommend you invite them in and give them ARNOLD GAUSS' IRON TEA. It is tea, except it's just solid iron, so then they pour it out on their face it will knock a tooth out n' give em a fat lip(While they're complaining you can steal their tie!)! Don't say I didn't warn ya!