Friday, December 16, 2011

Sarge's book, LOST AND FOUND!

Hey everyone this is Sarges book XXX RECODED: UNDERRATED, it was found MISSING for like 5 years and now it is back.  PLEASE ENJOY.




"XXX RECODED: UNDERRATED!"
All the ways u SUCK IT in the world of Life
by Sgt. Facepuncher, M.D.


Prefacepunch

Hello. The name is Sgt. Facepuncher, M.D. You may know me from various Internet-Verite website such as MySPACE and MyKnife and Molewars Reload. On these sites I teach u various things about LIFE, i teach u half of current knowledge so far. This book is to EXPAND u MIND about this life, I will use fowl words like CONIC'ed and other things but there will be footnotes for the big words that u mind cannot handle, like a teapot shot by a explaoding tip GRANADE. anyway ENjoy the book, but if u dont like it, tell me with u address and i will send a damn exploder fist via UPS hate-mail service and it will be C.O.D. 1 dumb life. Please, take note of my Extreme well knowledge of an English person, u probbaly dont know most of my words and slangs, so just keep reading and pretend u know what i mean so ladeys come up to u and say sexy things. when they say that u wisk them away to a life of romance, and dont worry u dont have to thank sarge just when u are dancing with her if u see me you must wink. Thats ALL i ask! Enjoy !


Chapter 1 - You Suck It

Basicaly there are 2 types: Facepuncher and dogpuncher. You are the dogpuncher type, which is means is: You have no COURAGE and HONOURE. It also means in the face of robot russian army u will BUCKEL to the pressure and basically spread em. Facepuncher type is rare, but super strong, smart, intellegeint and POWERHOUSED. We facepuncher type like to smash the opposition backinto the hell it came. I once painted a picture of Presiden A. Liconlon, writign in agoney in hell. He was burning for his stins of STUPIDITY, A-Class. Did u know he was prasied as a hero? FOR WHAT, SMOKIN THE IRAQOIS ARMY? NiCE JOB some presiodnt if u ask me which is why he burns in HELLWATER USA.
Back to the topic, you are crap basicaly, a dead brown floaty in a river floating down the river. Now I will go into some LOGIC PROOFS for this.
A. You suck it because if u fall down, u said, "LO! MY BLOODS"
B. Logic Proof #2: Let's take into account the punch accuracy advantage simulator. I made the simulator. When i punch ur didgits into the sims (aka, height, posture, relics, slogan, hump and hurdle), all that comes up is a big white screen that says: THIS MAN=STINK HARD. (the cpu language is a bit advanced for some of you types of MORNOS out there, so).
C. For you types who actually pay attention in Mathematic Class u will know the following equation rings true:

(x + y) - f = z

NOTE: X and Y represnet basic function parameters (i.e. jab, uppercut, fireball, whatever) and F is usually the special move or known feature (so for YOU f would be "fall down in a freezer and die"). Z is the result u idiots for u idiots otu there.

You cannot argue witih the numbers people! No matter how u punch it in, lets try with Hulk Hogan's stats, and it will come up he sucks, watch, just watch:

(shirtrip + yellowanger) - fakemoustache = sarge wins with a grand slam finish!!!!

Whoa! I did not expect that results!!!! Perhaps we should try a new equation with a more of an equal opponent - "Sergeant" "Slaughter" (more like deerboy if u ask me !)

(wearssunglassesinsidethetank + laserhat) - deerriding(creepy) = sarge performes death defying FATALITY move. Bonus savings cash is dropped from a fighter plane into Sarge's coiffers.

Oh YEAH! It's a dazzling finish to the finish, i got that guys goat!
So, clearly, sarge ROCKS u hard in whatever. Which brings me to my next Chapter.


Chapter 2 - Le Political Ocean

Sorry for the metaphors those of you who are learning to comprehend basics of Englrish. You probably look at my artistic endevour and say "this man is crazy, but i like it." thats because its GOOD WRITING PEOPLE, they dont Pay me this ice cold bar OF CASH$$$ for sitting in my chair so hard.
This chapter is about debunking the myths about your dumb figures in american history. I will go in depth in each one.

I. CHRISTORPHER COLUMBINE: This kid sailed the ocean in 1492 to across the pennsylvania strait. He was no match for the inca tribe who already had that gun that the joker used to bring down the bat plane, and they shot his ship from like 1000 yeards away, and he sank, drowned, and died with a frown on his face. You are shocked that this hero of yours was such a LOWLIFE.

II. George Herbert Washtington: Supposendly this "man" craeted life on the underwater heimpshere by creating a "democratic proclomation" of soverignty from the Untied Kingdom's dictator in cheif, RUSS HAYMAKERS and his subsidiary company DOOM-BOLTS Incoprorated. Allegedly this George Washington was a woman in disguise, and paid for democracy in America. This was to much of a dislike to the INDIANS who hated freedom and wanted GWB dead, fast. They didnt know much (they sucked it HARD) but they did know how to ride the horse and shoot a slingshot. This is how George finally bit the rubber so to speak, when a small stone clocked him over the head, he started crying and fell into the river, drowned, and died. This was known as a FLAWLESS VICTORY back then, now we would call it a DOWNRIGHT ASSKICKING in FLAMES. Both are true.

III. Mark Twain Atkins: One of the only men in superpower positions to ever be able to read. He wrote 2 books both called "Book Read Ashore" which was boring and no one read it, and I'm not going to waste any more time talking about this waste of time. FATE: Knifed.

IV. Ooblek J. Salinger: This hippy prosecutor wrote: "The Catcher in the Rye" which wasn't about sea life but something just as wimpy: BASEBALL. thats right, the sport you Love to hate. I dont know why this man is a prominent feature in American history because all he did was write a book that sold a huge amount of books (extrapolated). But what people don't know about this dogpuncher is that he ended up walking the plank after being captured by zombie pirates. My favorite part about this story is how the pirate's gun was set to "safety setting" and the pirate didnt know it, moron. Ooblek could have used a Tai Chi Kick Effect for maximum results, and then used haymakers on all the other pirates until the ship was his, but instead he went sploosh and is now FOOD for the JELLIES at the bottom of the lake. You are let down to know that this american hero is nothing more than a scrap of shoe leather on my leather shoe now.

V. Lincoln - DONT GET ME STARTED ON THIS ABOMINATOR OF JUSTICE!!! He founded the "Butter Frank Commisions" which was a secret fake name for the actual thing, "EVIL COMMISIONS" where he spent 8 years of his life in Jail, prison yards breaking license plates and singing sexy santa songs. The beard worn by this TRAITOR is woven from 80% cotton and 20% polysaturate fibers which is what the BIBLE wears. Thank god this guy was eventually put through the Blood Machine and died.

VI. Sammy Sosa - Perhaps I need to write a chapter on baseball? Because this guy was the worst baseball player ever to grace american standard of "Baseball." He once hit a ball SO far away from the players that it went OUT of the stadium, killing 6. This guy is a monster and should be shut away for at least 2 years before being murdered foul.


****************SPECIAL BUSINESS********

BONJOUR - THIS IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATS OF AMERICAN. I HAVE CAPTURED SGT. FACEPUNCHER, M.D. AND I AM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN EMAIL TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS TO THE WHITE HOUSE ADDRESS:

THE WHITE HOUSE
SARGE'S BUNKER
300 MILITARY DRIVE
500.00

BONJOUR AGAIN, AND THANK YOU AMERICAN FOLKS FOR HELPING CAPTUARE THIS INFORMATION TERRORISTE OF A GENERATION.

LOVE,
GEORGE HERBIRT WINGER BUN


RETORT! RETORT! SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH SARGE FROM A SPACE GELCAP ON MARS!

INTERVIEWOR: Hi my name SPACE MAN JONE and i am communicating through Telecast Space Radio, here now with Special Guest Sgt. Facepuncher M.D. Who joins us through satellite from the White House DUNGEON!!!! Sarge hello.

SARGE: Heaelo james, thank you for the interview I couldn't get any butter down here so i have been toasting my bagels with SEWAGE, HA ha ha ha ha

INTERVIEWOR: Hey Sarge, nice joke!!!! Anyway whats it like being in the Castrated Dungeon of the Doom?

SARGE: Well no one knows for sure but what I can says is that the president comes down here every 20 minute to say something DUMB like he owns the place. Hold on, i am getting a picture of a indian on the screen.



INTERVIEWOR: Whoaly Momma! Don’t show my kids those *laughter* *unintellegibels*

SARGE: HAHAHAHA *unintelleigbels* SHE IS HOTTER! LOOK AT THOSE CONDORS ON THAT ONE

INTERVIEWOR: I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HER WITHOUT HER PERMISSION Sarge, do you have any friends in Jail?

SARGE: I met one man, BILLY CRUSHHOUSE goes by the street name of Z-RAD-ICATOR X –THOUSAND, but IN MY OPINION he needs a better name because he can’t crush a house he cant even crush a freaking PAINT BALL for gods sake. Billy.

BILLY: OZZEY OZWALD RUULESS! HA HA HA

INTERVIEWOR: WHAT HAPPEN TO OUR INTERVIEW? NOW IT IS LIKE BECOME A GAY GANG?

SARGE: this is just my frined BILLY the only man STRONG enough to break out of this prison, not only one time he ate a whole cup of mustard and passed out from the poison mustard I put in there, but also hes STRONG.

BILLY: I thought it was FROZEN YOGUART!!! NOTHING IS DELICIOUS FOR MY TASTE

INTERVIEWOR: OK well right now in Space it is time for the daily space prayer. In space we have to say a prayer to Lordy the Alien God. Thank you for your Business Interview.

SARGE & BILLY: ...

*** THIS IS ALL of the book that exists I think!

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