Tuesday, July 24, 2012

"Doom Potatos", a FREE short story

Hello folks!  Whether you're rich or living in filth, you can both nod along to this hearty truth:  "free shit, give it down".  Well, here it comes, in the form of a FREE short story from Sarge.  Enjoy the deception and intriguie!

A couple of astronauts are floating around in deep space.  When suddenly, an asteroid appears.

Astronaut 1:  Oh no, an asteroid!

Astronaut 2:  It's okay.  Refer to the manual, there's gotta be SOME way for us to destroy this God-damn thing.

Astronaut 1:  Okay let me use a detonating bomb... wait a second... is that a-

Astronaut 2:  This asteroid... what is it made from???

Astronaut 1:  THAT'S NO ASTEROID....

Astronaut 1 and 2 in unison:  That's a POTATO!!!

Then blood shoots out of the asteroid's helmets and splashes against the screen and it says "SARGE PRESENTS", and then their legs explode in blood and it says "A AWESOME MOVIE...", then their torsos explode and they scream and you hear a bell when it says "DOOM POTATOS".  Then you hear a voice cackling into deep space and the camera pans down to Earth.

ACT II:  In the church.

In this scene there is a church thing, and the priest, Mr. Tomuels, is giving a lecture about God and stuff.  There's no one in the audience except one wry WASHBUCKLER in the back.

Tomuels:  And so the lord, with his washy bosom did crespice the mule, and the mule was crespiced.  With his thy humble hand he did then uncrespice that same mule, until each mule was unto itself a mule uncrespiced.  Deliver the (at this moment he notices that the WASHBUCKLER is walking up to him with a big heavy sack)  Excuse me sir?

Washbuckler:  Hey priest, look what I found out back in the dumpster?  (he empties the sack which is full of golden beautiful potatos.  He looks up at the priest who is confused).  Potatos.

Tomuels:  I can see they are God damn potatoes, but why have you just spilt them on my crespice???

Washbucklers:  Somethin' ain't right about these potatos, milord... I reckon they're POISONED they are

Tomeuls:  Oh, well in that case let me use my magic powers of God to cleanse ---

Washbucklers:  Nuh uh.  That earthly magic won't work on these potatos.  These are potatos from another world.... these is....  (said in unison with the priest)  DOOM POTATOS.

Tomeuls:  Doom potatos?  What is that?

Washbucklers:  No, I can't tell ye.  It's too terrible for the human brain to imagine about.  It's space potatos and they got the power to make a man's blood explode.

Tomeuls:  Why hasn't it made your blood explode?

Washbucklers:  Cuz I ain't made from blood like you and me.  I'm made from of salt water and pidgeon oil, I reckon, and I sure-as-shit ain't gonna die from no stupid Tato!  (Just then the potatos start to rumble and a very high pitched voice can be heard sqeualing)

Tomeuls:  My... my blood.  MY ACHING BLOOOOOOOOOD!!!  (Kaboom, his blood explodes and he falls to the ground, stiff as a dead dog.  The washbuckler shakes his head, and then gets up on stage and pushes the priest over towards the side of the room, and leaves.)

ACT III:  The Main Character!

In this scene we finally meet the main character and it is indeed mr. bruce willis (when he appears pause for the audience to shout and go "woo" and stuff and then resume).  He is in a futuristic hotel room with like 5 refridgerators in it!!!  ;)

Bruce:  Man, ive heard about these Doom potato murders, but I just can't get to the bottom of the crimes.  Maybe I should talk to my robot dog Stanly about it.

Stanly:  Yes Sir Bruce Willis?

Bruce:  Stanly!  Get me the doom potato files, and also use some deduction to find out the motives of the crime.

Stanly:  Ok.  I figured it out, boss.  The crime is being committed by Dark lord Gauss Albatross and his evil minions of f-

Bruce:  That's enough information (opens one of his fridges and finds a low fat yogurt)  I am on a diet, I better eat this yogurt, (then he opens the yogurt really FAST and manly and just THROWS the entire yoguert in his mouth with quick jerking motion and almost ALL of it goes in).  Off I go!  (He grabs an ancient crossbow and kicks his door down).

ACT IV:  The Final Venganece

Bruce is sitting on that same potato asteroid as from the beginning (the scene is book ended from da beginning, go check).  He has no space suit but he's fine.

Bruce:  I guess that yogurt really DID make me able to breath space air :D

Bruce:  Okay now to solve this crime.  Hmmmm...  (as he is thinking, a gross arm PUNCHES through the potato astroid hes sitting on and grabs his ankle.)  Oh FU-*BLEEEP* he exclaims.  (Then the arm pulls him down into the potato and hes getting potato juice all over his sweater.  Eventually he reaches the potatos icy center where Dark Lord Gauss is trapped in the mashed potato and now so is Bruce.)

Dark Lord Gauss:  Hahahaha!  You fell right into my trap, Bruce Willis.  Didn't you think it was maybe a trap?

Bruce:  I did consider that it could be a trap but, I dunno!!!  Now tell me why you're killing all of the people!

Dark Lord Gauss:  You'll never learn my motive Bruce.  BEcuase you are going to die RIGHT HERE from an exploded blood problem, ha ha ha ha ha!  Better get your doctor to warn you about the dangers of EXPLODED BLOOD!  Hey bruce when was the last time u got your BLOOD PRESSURE checked out, the pressure is so much it will explode.

Bruce:  Wait a second.... (cool music starts playing as it goes to a flashback.  In slow motion it shows that the yogurt he ate before wasnt yogurt at all.  It was a science liquid that gives the user immunity to blood explosion and also the ability to breathe space as air, and also the ability to punch someone the fuck out)

Dark Lord Guass:  (realizing his power is not working on Bruce)  What???  What the hell!??  (bruce starts walking through the potato mush towards Dark Lord.)  Wait!  Don't punch me out yet.  I will tell you my motive now!!!!  (Then bruce PUNCHES him the fuck out.  We see the space potato EXPLODE and bruce willis is flying unconscious and all burned back to earth)


Bruce is sitting around the table with his family which he got after the story ended.

Wife:  Bruce do you want some potatos with your breakfast?

Bruce:  (looks at the camera with a creepy grin for like 4 seconds)  then he says "no thanks dear Ive had enough potatos for a life.

Then he and his wife EXPLODE into blood, and the blood melts down off the screen and it says "DOOM POTATOS."

The End.

If you enjoyed this make sure to e-mail me $25 dollars.  sorry, I changed my mind about it being free, so pay up!!!!!

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