Sarge here. Just doing a quick check to see what the worlds crunchy foods are. Probably celery? OK, it's time to go!
My lawyer said I need more photos on my website to get more money so i added it.
#1 - CELERY
CELERY is the crunchiest damn thing I ever saw. If you put peanunt butter and celery together in a bloodmatch, only one would come out alive... Anyway, I woke up the neighbors last night from eating like 180 lbs of CELERY, which I had to do cuz I gotta bulk up for my wheight training. Believe it or not, the years have not been good to sarge and his legs & bone marrow have withered to almost nothing. But, within hours I will have myself back to to Peak Potential for Max Karnage.
#2 - OATS
"What's that you're crunchin' on, Paw? Oh, it's just some of these damned OATS!" - the commercial we know
Since 1995, OATS have been a regimen part of my diet. It was just after I sacked some enemy farmlands, when I noticed that I could be utilizing the OATS pastures to refuel my body, which at that point had very few cyborg implance.
For now, I'll take some OATS, thank you. Becuase when a Crunch is In, it's Crunchin' Munch. :)
#3 - BONE MEALS
If you're gonna eat human flesh, chances are you're gonna find a bone or 2. In fact, I found a entire SKELETON inside the body of several of my most famined enemies. For instance, Luthor Grodoxius of the Destruct-o Clan of south america. He insulted me at one point during the war by bringing a battle with too few firepower, so after he died I made sure to have his relatives send me his corpse for "further testing". Of course, what they DIDNT Know is I was about to go "Cruncho Crounch" on this Groucho!!! CEEEE-RUNCH! (PS His blood got everywhere)
#4 - Chives
I've never had chives but I have heard War stories about their crunchyness. In fact, one time I faked a Chive Crunch to get out of jail free!!! The guard was sittin' there reading PLAYBOY MAGAZINE when I said "Hey guard watch out for this crunch CEEEEERUNCH!" and the guard was super startled, so bad that he smashed his head on the wall and a river of blood poured from his brain like a sainted chailce of eternal slimber. Was pretty gross, but I grabbed his keys, wallet, and gold teeth and was like SAYIORAMA SUCKERS! Fueled up the ol' jetpack and when shooting through the sky like "cool this is awesome!"
#3 - Real Hot (tm) Crunchers
Obviously u can't make a Crunch list without talkin' bout Realhots. I once met the Maker of these celestial candies, Earnest J Realhots, Jr. He and I got along great, until one day when I saw a ghost hiding behind a tree. I quickly pulled the pin from my grenade and then radioed for help. "Help" i said into the grenade which had a radio in it. I lobbed my trusty pineapple (the grenade) at the ghosts fuckin' head, and KER PLOOM, the ghost got a real wake up call THAT night that's for sure. I slung the ghost's corpse over my neck. On the way home I also used a bow and arrow with explosive tip on something.
When I got home, Earnest had moved out. He said things didn't work out between us. To this day if I ever find that guy, it's bow and arrow with explosive tip for THAT punky bruiser....
#4 - Sandwiches (Depending on what u put on em)
I know lots of people are like sandwiches what thats not tasty OR crunchy - I know, I know. Give sarge a little credit here. You know I've been #1 blogger on the internet for like 7 years or somecrap? What the heck you damn kids can't have it any way you want it!!!
If you put something crunchy on your toast, like: Olives, Paprika, Ghost meat, Olives, or hard stuff like vines, you'll be in good shape for a hearty crunch that even makes your doctor say "Can I have Some Other Sandwiches Please???"
#5 - Basically, anything crunchy!
Seriously folks, the point of this article isn't just for sarge to TELL you what's crunchy. You're a goddamn adult, you son of a bitch, figure it out yourself!!!! Fuck off!!!! But really, it's time to Get Createive. Just think about it: what's crunchy in YOUR Life? Do you have an old something or other lying in the back of the Fridge that you don't know how it got there? Give it a GRUNCH for your old pal Sarge. It's not a problem.
Got any suggestsions or FAQ? Let me know. If you email anything bad expect a dozen military style ninjitsus to come BOWLING through your door like a ton of bricks. Can you withstand the blows from 1000 parry attacks of my katana? I don't think so. Until then: Just Giv'em da Grunch!!!