Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Sarge Returns with Top Ten BEST weight losing tips - LOSE THE FAT!!!

Hi there I am -- RECORD SCRATCH SOUND!!! Just kidding it's me sarge. Had ya goin' there, you bought it. Anyway, you might have noticed I've been under UN house arrest the last 16 months, due to a couple warcrimes I committed during Le Volcano War.

This Log message is for losing weight QUICKLY. Obviously the fastest way is to just chew off your own arm like Sarge does. Obviously the reason we don't do something that idiotic is cuz of the calories in 1 human arm (give you a hint, it's worse than a Twinky!)

So there are 2 aspects to losin' weight: eating, or hard exercises like pushing trees over. Let's do it!


There are so many foods you might consider eating: celery, oats, or pigs. Sometimes it can be hard to decide which time you should each which one. Here's a handy pneumonic guide for you shit heads to learn it from.

Just Roll Into A Grave And Sarge Will Do The Rest

JRIYGRATSBY - it's easy! Basically though, here's how to know:

CELERY: Eat this whenever you need a quick Crunch. Sometimes if I'm at a funeral of a man who once dared oppose me, I will wait for the Preist to execute the Moment of Silents, at which point I shall bequeath unto my jacket pocket where I have stored a large husk of celery. then a louuuud echoey CRUNNNNCH is heard, ruinin the moment of silents and making numberous women even more upset. Then pull a gun and rob the place! U can usually make a quick 20 bucks this way which is enough to get some decent food, not this gross rabbit food, yuck!!!

OATS: Oats is the main ingredient of a man. Each morning I reach into this giant vat labeled "SARGES OATS" and grasp a great heaping handful of freshened Oats. I put them on the dungeon floor and deliver 18 Throttling Haymaker attacks unto the oats. This unlocks the flavour.
Two warnings about oats: one, for some reason oats attract a TON of bugs. I'm talking like 1000 bugs a day at LEAST. There's bugs literally crawling all over the keyboard and my hands as I type this. Get out of here, you damn bugs!!!

PIGS: Pigs have some kind of strange natural armor which makes them almost impervous from most attacks. Heres the way I do it: grab a pig. Stick him in a very small submarine and shoot him to the bottom of the ocean. when he's down there make sure he sees some scary sharks and squids and stuff. Then when he comes back up, the SECOND he walks out of the submarine pull out your trusty side-arm and blow his ass away. I'm talkin put one RIGHT between his eyes. "Sayonara, you no good piece of Dog shit!!!" I exclaimed. The pig was slain.

The other way you can lose weight is by performing hard tasks.

  • While standing on a commercial ferry or other boat, head-butt the floor hard enough to rupture the hull. Burns 100 Calories.
  • Go to a foot ball game and ask the football team to try and kill you. Deflect their attacks (remember: block any high attacks, but if they go for ur nutsack they are vulnerable for a Sweep kick. When they are down, shoot them in the head, you don't know these people, they might be psychos or something), and deliver hateful punches repeatedly until they are all dead. Burns 200 Calories.
  • Visit a mausoleum and pull each dead corpse out of the earth until u find the corpse of a old rich guy like Roland Reagan or scrooge mcDick or something. Then Get your Raid on on them pockets!!! What's this a $20 I spy with my lil' eye, why yes good sir I do believe I do declare!!! :) Don't tell the Feds.  Burns 300 calories
  • Chew Off your Own Arm. Burns 500 Calories
  • Install a cybor Robot arm with Weapon Attachment. I recently did this. I now have a rotocannon in place of an arm which is great for most things EXCEPT ironically eating breakfast (So much for savings...)

Anyway, i hope this helps. By the way, here's a funny pic!!! Keeps you inspired, you don't wanna look like THIS guy in your bathing trunks!

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