Sarge's Log.

Sarge's book, LOST AND FOUND!

2011-12-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone this is Sarges book XXX RECODED: UNDERRATED, it was found MISSING for like 5 years and now it is back. PLEASE ENJOY.

"XXX RECODED: UNDERRATED!"
All the ways u SUCK IT in the world of Life
by Sgt. Facepuncher, M.D.

Prefacepunch

Hello. The name is Sgt. Facepuncher, M.D. You may know me from various Internet-Verite website such as MySPACE and MyKnife and Molewars Reload. On these sites I teach u various things about LIFE, i teach u half of current knowledge so far. This book is to EXPAND u MIND about this life, I will use fowl words like CONIC'ed and other things but there will be footnotes for the big words that u mind cannot handle, like a teapot shot by a explaoding tip GRANADE. anyway ENjoy the book, but if u dont like it, tell me with u address and i will send a damn exploder fist via UPS hate-mail service and it will be C.O.D. 1 dumb life. Please, take note of my Extreme well knowledge of an English person, u probbaly dont know most of my words and slangs, so just keep reading and pretend u know what i mean so ladeys come up to u and say sexy things. when they say that u wisk them away to a life of romance, and dont worry u dont have to thank sarge just when u are dancing with her if u see me you must wink. Thats ALL i ask! Enjoy !

Chapter 1 - You Suck It

Basicaly there are 2 types: Facepuncher and dogpuncher. You are the dogpuncher type, which is means is: You have no COURAGE and HONOURE. It also means in the face of robot russian army u will BUCKEL to the pressure and basically spread em. Facepuncher type is rare, but super strong, smart, intellegeint and POWERHOUSED. We facepuncher type like to smash the opposition backinto the hell it came. I once painted a picture of Presiden A. Liconlon, writign in agoney in hell. He was burning for his stins of STUPIDITY, A-Class. Did u know he was prasied as a hero? FOR WHAT, SMOKIN THE IRAQOIS ARMY? NiCE JOB some presiodnt if u ask me which is why he burns in HELLWATER USA.
Back to the topic, you are crap basicaly, a dead brown floaty in a river floating down the river. Now I will go into some LOGIC PROOFS for this.
A. You suck it because if u fall down, u said, "LO! MY BLOODS"
B. Logic Proof #2: Let's take into account the punch accuracy advantage simulator. I made the simulator. When i punch ur didgits into the sims (aka, height, posture, relics, slogan, hump and hurdle), all that comes up is a big white screen that says: THIS MAN=STINK HARD. (the cpu language is a bit advanced for some of you types of MORNOS out there, so).
C. For you types who actually pay attention in Mathematic Class u will know the following equation rings true:

(x + y) - f = z

NOTE: X and Y represnet basic function parameters (i.e. jab, uppercut, fireball, whatever) and F is usually the special move or known feature (so for YOU f would be "fall down in a freezer and die"). Z is the result u idiots for u idiots otu there.

You cannot argue witih the numbers people! No matter how u punch it in, lets try with Hulk Hogan's stats, and it will come up he sucks, watch, just watch:

(shirtrip + yellowanger) - fakemoustache = sarge wins with a grand slam finish!!!!

Whoa! I did not expect that results!!!! Perhaps we should try a new equation with a more of an equal opponent - "Sergeant" "Slaughter" (more like deerboy if u ask me !)

(wearssunglassesinsidethetank + laserhat) - deerriding(creepy) = sarge performes death defying FATALITY move. Bonus savings cash is dropped from a fighter plane into Sarge's coiffers.

Oh YEAH! It's a dazzling finish to the finish, i got that guys goat!
So, clearly, sarge ROCKS u hard in whatever. Which brings me to my next Chapter.

Chapter 2 - Le Political Ocean

Sorry for the metaphors those of you who are learning to comprehend basics of Englrish. You probably look at my artistic endevour and say "this man is crazy, but i like it." thats because its GOOD WRITING PEOPLE, they dont Pay me this ice cold bar OF CASH$$$ for sitting in my chair so hard.
This chapter is about debunking the myths about your dumb figures in american history. I will go in depth in each one.

I. CHRISTORPHER COLUMBINE: This kid sailed the ocean in 1492 to across the pennsylvania strait. He was no match for the inca tribe who already had that gun that the joker used to bring down the bat plane, and they shot his ship from like 1000 yeards away, and he sank, drowned, and died with a frown on his face. You are shocked that this hero of yours was such a LOWLIFE.

II. George Herbert Washtington: Supposendly this "man" craeted life on the underwater heimpshere by creating a "democratic proclomation" of soverignty from the Untied Kingdom's dictator in cheif, RUSS HAYMAKERS and his subsidiary company DOOM-BOLTS Incoprorated. Allegedly this George Washington was a woman in disguise, and paid for democracy in America. This was to much of a dislike to the INDIANS who hated freedom and wanted GWB dead, fast. They didnt know much (they sucked it HARD) but they did know how to ride the horse and shoot a slingshot. This is how George finally bit the rubber so to speak, when a small stone clocked him over the head, he started crying and fell into the river, drowned, and died. This was known as a FLAWLESS VICTORY back then, now we would call it a DOWNRIGHT ASSKICKING in FLAMES. Both are true.

III. Mark Twain Atkins: One of the only men in superpower positions to ever be able to read. He wrote 2 books both called "Book Read Ashore" which was boring and no one read it, and I'm not going to waste any more time talking about this waste of time. FATE: Knifed.

IV. Ooblek J. Salinger: This hippy prosecutor wrote: "The Catcher in the Rye" which wasn't about sea life but something just as wimpy: BASEBALL. thats right, the sport you Love to hate. I dont know why this man is a prominent feature in American history because all he did was write a book that sold a huge amount of books (extrapolated). But what people don't know about this dogpuncher is that he ended up walking the plank after being captured by zombie pirates. My favorite part about this story is how the pirate's gun was set to "safety setting" and the pirate didnt know it, moron. Ooblek could have used a Tai Chi Kick Effect for maximum results, and then used haymakers on all the other pirates until the ship was his, but instead he went sploosh and is now FOOD for the JELLIES at the bottom of the lake. You are let down to know that this american hero is nothing more than a scrap of shoe leather on my leather shoe now.

V. Lincoln - DONT GET ME STARTED ON THIS ABOMINATOR OF JUSTICE!!! He founded the "Butter Frank Commisions" which was a secret fake name for the actual thing, "EVIL COMMISIONS" where he spent 8 years of his life in Jail, prison yards breaking license plates and singing sexy santa songs. The beard worn by this TRAITOR is woven from 80% cotton and 20% polysaturate fibers which is what the BIBLE wears. Thank god this guy was eventually put through the Blood Machine and died.

VI. Sammy Sosa - Perhaps I need to write a chapter on baseball? Because this guy was the worst baseball player ever to grace american standard of "Baseball." He once hit a ball SO far away from the players that it went OUT of the stadium, killing 6. This guy is a monster and should be shut away for at least 2 years before being murdered foul.

****************SPECIAL BUSINESS********

BONJOUR - THIS IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATS OF AMERICAN. I HAVE CAPTURED SGT. FACEPUNCHER, M.D. AND I AM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN EMAIL TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS TO THE WHITE HOUSE ADDRESS:

THE WHITE HOUSE
SARGE'S BUNKER
300 MILITARY DRIVE
500.00

BONJOUR AGAIN, AND THANK YOU AMERICAN FOLKS FOR HELPING CAPTUARE THIS INFORMATION TERRORISTE OF A GENERATION.

LOVE,
GEORGE HERBIRT WINGER BUN

RETORT! RETORT! SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH SARGE FROM A SPACE GELCAP ON MARS!

INTERVIEWOR: Hi my name SPACE MAN JONE and i am communicating through Telecast Space Radio, here now with Special Guest Sgt. Facepuncher M.D. Who joins us through satellite from the White House DUNGEON!!!! Sarge hello.

SARGE: Heaelo james, thank you for the interview I couldn't get any butter down here so i have been toasting my bagels with SEWAGE, HA ha ha ha ha

INTERVIEWOR: Hey Sarge, nice joke!!!! Anyway whats it like being in the Castrated Dungeon of the Doom?

SARGE: Well no one knows for sure but what I can says is that the president comes down here every 20 minute to say something DUMB like he owns the place. Hold on, i am getting a picture of a indian on the screen.

INTERVIEWOR: Whoaly Momma! Don’t show my kids those *laughter* *unintellegibels*

SARGE: HAHAHAHA *unintelleigbels* SHE IS HOTTER! LOOK AT THOSE CONDORS ON THAT ONE

INTERVIEWOR: I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HER WITHOUT HER PERMISSION Sarge, do you have any friends in Jail?

SARGE: I met one man, BILLY CRUSHHOUSE goes by the street name of Z-RAD-ICATOR X –THOUSAND, but IN MY OPINION he needs a better name because he can’t crush a house he cant even crush a freaking PAINT BALL for gods sake. Billy.

BILLY: OZZEY OZWALD RUULESS! HA HA HA

INTERVIEWOR: WHAT HAPPEN TO OUR INTERVIEW? NOW IT IS LIKE BECOME A GAY GANG?

SARGE: this is just my frined BILLY the only man STRONG enough to break out of this prison, not only one time he ate a whole cup of mustard and passed out from the poison mustard I put in there, but also hes STRONG.

BILLY: I thought it was FROZEN YOGUART!!! NOTHING IS DELICIOUS FOR MY TASTE

INTERVIEWOR: OK well right now in Space it is time for the daily space prayer. In space we have to say a prayer to Lordy the Alien God. Thank you for your Business Interview.

SARGE & BILLY: ...

*** THIS IS ALL of the book that exists I think!

Coconut on the president's head today!!!

2011-11-13T23:30:00.001-08:00

I was watyching NBC.com and there was a national Barack Obama press conference in Hawaii Island. He was standing betwixt some trees, and speaking about the ~~coconut~~ economy when all of the sudden, this is what happened!

The president leaned into the big puffy microphone and said: "and the economy is bad so...."

Just then a Pumpkin fell on his head! He looked up and it wasn't a pumpkin, it was a damn coconut! "that's what that is!" Obama yelled and pointed. Just then:

"BONK!!!" went the coconut right on his head. Someone laughed at Obamas misfortune, probably some jerkoff, and a secret officer for the NBA immediately shot him dead on sight (it was a tranquilizer dart).

Then the coconut did something unexpected: it rolled into a bush nearby. Obama quickly rummaged through the bush and produced the coconut. He said, then: "Take this, you stupid coconut!" and kicked it up back inot he tree.

Then the press conference resumed. He started saying stuff about the economy again and all of sudden a COCONUT fell on his head!

NOT THIS AGAIN!!!! He said. Then his pants fell off. The end. PS who u votin for?

2011-10-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

HEY you RUSTY NUTS&BOLTS of the INTERNET? Sarge here. My cousin Pear has a special treat for you today: his Sketch Comedy routine he's been doing down in his basement for the locals. Without further delays... (he is using a typeriter so forgive the poor translations)

bathroom betty: a suicide mission I'll never forget episode 1: the HURTIN'. i pulled up my pants and shot myself in the foot by accident. Owie zowie, that smarts. luckily, foot armor came through for me again. [at this point a soldier or someone dressed up like a soldier should come on the staege and talk about gun safety, then when he is not looking we pull down his pants].

Chapter 2:  butter tastes good.  Paw was makin apple pies again i could SMELL it there.  i asked paw u usin' the butter?  He didnt relpy because he had fell to sleep.  paw is very old.

Chapter 3: wakin up paw.  hey paw, paw can you hear me?  paw?  paw its time to wake up.  paw.  paw.  hey paw.   paw.  just then paw woke up but he needed to be rushed to the hospital because by the time he woke up he already died.

Chapter 4:  Joke Corner.  what did the bird do?  [read chapter 5 for the answer]

Chapter 5:  bird paid his damn taxes like the rest of us.

CHapter 6: back to the USSR. some spies got into my waffle tarts, i said into the loud speaker. some children began to giggle, i knew that they were behind...

also

Okay thats enough PEAR for one day. Thanks !

sarge's favorite history lessons from USA

2011-09-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Time for a history lesson with Sarge! In 1940, I invented the "foot cudgel" which is a cudgel that you can hold with your foot, as long as you got feet that can curle around like a MONKEY(monkeys are STUPID!).

In 1995, I invented Magical Sand.

Magical Sand was a band named Magical Sand. Sarge wasn't in the band but he was the lead singer and producer. He also wrote all the songs including the 1995 hit song, "magical sand band song". Heres the full track listing of each song on the album:

TRACK 1 - Magical Sand Band Song - This is the hit song so obviously it comes first. The rest is crap!
TRACK 2 - Foreshorten the Love - this is a sad love song about breaking up with your girlfriend.
TRACK 3 - SHAKIN' - This is a low down dirrrrty groove for the lemonstand! Bump bump bump, Conceal your rump!
TRACK 4 - Mutated babys - this song is SCARY about mutato babies that come out of the graAaaave!!!
TRACK 5 - My Fist Foreshortens your Ass! - This is an angry punchout song for bars and other places of battle.
TRACK 6 - Spicy Petunia - pour a salt shaker over my head, this song makes you feel like you're really IN THE GAME!
TRACK 7 - Secret Song - this song has a secret bit of information in it, (my poundcode)!!!
TRACK 8 - REAL secret song - this is the song no one knows about, it has my REAL poundcode in it.
TRACK 9 - Boy's Got a Code - about a young boy Alberto Benningsmouth, who learned a code (AINT my pound code tho thats for sure!)
TRACK 9 - "Butts" - Sarge didn't write this one I have no idea how it got "on da album."
TRACK 9 - I forget what this track was but I think there was a electric drum sound.

SO NEXT TIME some WIPE comes up to you and says 'hey kid you look like you need a nickel', you grab both his knees and say "Kindley SIR, I'm sorry but THIS ONE'S ON SARGE" Then bite a hole in his leg. Then call the police and turn yourself in - it's high time you did some time.

Sarge's Top 10 FREE #1 Insults!

2011-08-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hey you! Guess what time it is, time for Sarge to GIVE AWAY his #1 insults. That's right, the "master of disaster" himself knows how to strike hard with his words, and his words make a powerful iron fist when he strikes with them. Now you can, too. Each of these insults is field tested and 100% approven to be 100% INSULTING to your character. No man can avoid being called these names! Some of these insults cost MONEY that goes to Sarge's coffers.

Without further, here comes the FREE STUFF!

TOP TEN FREE #1 INSULTS!

#10 - "What is that you say? Sarge is a Nincompoop? Who you callin' a nincompoop?"

#9 - Blessed be, you are a ugly vision! I hope you dont become a god and then make ME be lookin' all ugly and stuff like that!!!

#8 - You tried to ride a bike once and fell down and a clicf? That's so dumb, what the hell!!

#7 - [JOKE CENSORED BY THE FBI FOR SAFETY CONCERNS - THIS JOIKE IS SO FUNNY IT MIGHT OF CAUSED IMPORTANT NATIONAL CRANUIUMS TO EXPLODE]

#6 - (99 cents) Your mom looks like a dinosaur skull thats like 600+ years old!! hahaha!

#5 - You're a real jerk!

#4 - You are so ugly, that you look like you just spoiled out of Ardof Hitlers caustic grave! you son of a gun!!!

#3 - Satan's butt called and he wants his ASS back (its on your face, what is that, a satan's ass or a mask i cant tell!!!) also bonus joke: what did the farmr say to the city sanitation department officer? (text 123sarge and send me 99 cents for the punchline, its a real fuckin' funny joke.)

#2 - This one costs 99 cents to use (Paypal to Sarge): what did the famrmer say to the onion? NOTE: When you need to use this insult, say that to someone and then text "INSULTNUMBERX" where X is the number joke that you want, and I will text you back the punch-line as soon as I see that the payment has went through into my COFFERS.

Presneting the #1 BEST JOKE i ever insulted someone with. It was originally said at the grocery store when I was buying Weightpump Fuel 55K.

#1 - If you EVER piss me off again, I am pulling out a concealed weapon and shooting you in the face. JUST SO YA KNO!!!

~ O ~ O ~

Well that about sums up all of the joks there are. Feel free to modify some of the stuff in there, like how many bullets you use to kill people with and stuff, but other than that STICK TO THE SCRIPT U DOPE

Comedy: Sarge EDITS the Document!

2011-07-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

hey readers (YOU SUCK!). I read a new report by the Education Foundation from 2011 (today) and it read like CRAP. I went in and made a few EDITS - but don't take 'em too seriously, but it's a JOKE! I made it really funny :) :)

ALSO! One minor note: Some of the jokes there is a part of the joke you dont know, only i know it and it makes it WAYYYY funnier like WAY WAY funnier so rememer that ok?

CLICK TO READ IT!

Team Fortress 2 Special PREVIEW

2011-07-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

PSST IT'S ME IT'S SARGE! Drop your weapons! If you didn't drop your weapons, just now you would feel a grievous impact from an unknown angle; and its name is an Unjust Elbow from Sarge.

Speaking of which, Team Fortress-II is already out as you may know. This article will dispel rumors and mythos about what type of stuff gonna be"in da game" so to speak. This will be posed as a specialty "FAQ".

CLASSES

Enginaer: these rabid psychos can build Supply Depots and Hampster Wagons which shoot bullets at enemy oncomers. IF you hear someone say "we need a hampster wagon PRONTO", then that means you should do it now.

SPY: "#007 AGENT; WE HAVE A DISTURBANCE. SOMEONE IS WAY better than ur shitt ass movies biatch" james bond is like 'oh crap my frail egotistical mind just got flushed down the crappers'. Too bad. This spy has a REAL gun made of metal. when it shoots it goes BOOM BOOM BOOM and everyone who got hit is in big trouble. Double your spy !!!!!

Soldier: Double tha action fire-power and Traction with this Soldier of Fortune! He gets 25 cents every time he performs a rocket launcher kill, and with muscles THIS big that's gonna add up to real, hot CASH!!!! Use that cash to buy a better class though like the Spy or the Jeep Wizard.

Jeep Wizard: Jeep wizard is one of the new classes. it has some health but you can trade out for an extra jeep. Combine 3 jeep together to form Super Jeep 3D0 powers. If you get too sweaty in there take off your pants or whatever I don't care. Just keep Jeepin' ! Beep Beep I'm in da Jeep (batteries not included hahahahahaa:) :)

Demomanager: Bombs Bombs Bombs Bombs and Double your Specialty Bombs!! Seriously, bombs don't come out of guns this fast since Sarge last visited a secret war locale! But if you use him be wary of one thing: he does not have a knife on his person. That means if someone comes up close and "personal" you might have to blow up the entire level with one wave of your magical fingers.

Heavy Weapon Man: Hes so fat he blocks bullets for the rest of the team. he also is bald, its cool.

Fish Monitor: He will monitor the fish while you were playing. Just give him special instructions if you have a rare breed of fish like a helmsman mudrunner or a crybaby wish. if he gets out of line you know what to do.........................

Swordsman: CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP chop chop .......

Scout: this guy... i cant believe they had the GALLUoX to put this graceless spitter into my game. He talks like hes from Hades itself but he dances around like a pixie pie-taster!!! NOT to my LIKING.

Well at this point you may be asking, but sarge, what about the FAQs? Ok.

FAQ1: Sarge when You are playing TFII don't you do the best?

Answer: Ya

FAG2: Sarge whats the best startegty for becoming the best?

Answer: run from me and wish to God that your spine will be left intact so that the doctor may save it with a vampire's kiss.

Someone STOLE my Pigwatchers bar!!!

2011-07-21T09:08:00.001-07:00

Hey I was at Arnold Ryan(hes famous)'s party the other day. I brought a Pigwatcher's bar with me, not because I want to lose weight but because Sarge needs to PACK ON THE POUNDS. This is because I have a theory that if I get fat enough I will be able to block bullets with my fat, sort of like this: kapwiiinggg!!!

Anywho, I put the bar down next to me on a stool and said "don't go anywhere pigwatchers bar, I am going to eat your skull next moment", and watched the Area News for a bit to see if any of my terrorists plots had become hatched. When I looked back down, the Pigwatchers bar was gone!

WHO STOLE MY PIGWATERS BARRRR!!!!!

I know what you're thinking "I didnt do it sarge. it must of been a alien." It better not have been cuz if it was I'm GETTING MY DROWN ON that little green PUKE!

"crunch crunch im eatin sarges pigwatchers barrr mmm"

Please if it was you or a alien please shine a flashlight into the trees and stuff. From now on this is the sarge signal and if you need to reach me you can do that and yell "hey sarge where the hell are you buddy" and i'll come running.

PS. one of my terrorists plots is me throwing a heavy book onto the ice at the Nashville Predators game and see if some dumb dick thinks he can skate over that heavy book. He will probably be like "whoaWHoaWHOAAAA" and fall flat on his ugly FACE. At that time I will shoot him with my sniper rifle because he is no longer needed.

Duke nukem forever REVIEW

2011-06-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

LADIES AND GENTS ITS FINALLY HERE.

If you got all your wits about you you know that Sarge has been waiting for the next Duke Nukem II game for his MSBOX3D0. Well it finally came out. I went to the store and I found a guy who sells games. I was like "bucko, gimme the duke or I start to puke". He said he sold out of them I was like ARE YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I said "wahts that in your pants then" and he said "sir" and I said "I CAN SEE INSIDE YOUR PANTS THERE ARE EXTRA GAMES & SOME COINS AS WELL!!!". its true I have an x-ray cyborg's implant.

He called a "manager" over (I was like MANAGE THIS and stabbed my thumb up my pelvis regroin) named Eric. I was like "This employee somehow survived denying SARGE his DUE." I was also like "I want a Duke Nukem II please". He said he ran out so I performed a Quint of Bleeding Luck maneouver on his skull which I calculated had several bum chunks. His skull exploded all over the place into a messy cloud of brain bits and I kicked him in the butt and said 'now get out of here, you!'

Then the employye changed his tune. I said "TAKE OFF ALL YOUR PANTS", still holding my vibrating leg that just killed a man with its bear hands. He said "but sir i have a copy of duke nukam in there that you'll find out about!!!" Don't SIR me you farcial barnyard betty, I exclaimed as I got him in a classic Crunch-hold. I said "If YOU'RE OUT OF NUKEMS THEN IM LEAVING!" and I left. But when I got out the door I went "Damn !!!!!" really loud and someone from another place heard me probably. A pink baby stuck his head up out of a stroller and went "by Joe, that is one sad muscle man!!!!" (thats a joke)

So then when i got home I realized I already bought duke nukem 2!!! I popped the CD into the drive and was on my way. then I realized my computer was off, and it would NOT TURN ON!!! - CPU NERDS from high schools now I wish I Kept you alive :o). Then I saw the problem, I had dropped one of my large vascular Champion stones on the computer earlier after my morning workout. OH man looks like I shoulda got a DELL!!!

So thats my Duke Nukem 2 refever review. its pretty good I think, nice graphics, and, fun stuff. its pretty fun. i like the graphics.

-SARGENT FACEPUNCHER M.D.

PS - I have been away fighting several wars of aggression. i am now a vetaran of like 200 wars its awesome

Sarge Directs: A movie

2010-12-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

Sarge realizes you like "Jurassic Park". But he also found out that Jurassic Park is IMPOSSIBLE, it can never happen because the sciencestist doesnt have enough DNA data! So, Sarge has come up with a new screenplay(doubles as a power manual!!!) that is like JP except for the 21st century with facts! Dinosaurs are bullshit!!

The screen play is as follows:

Two unaccustomed victims, Clareyence (a girl) and Tomnald B. are visiting the new park with their dad.

CLARYENECE: Dad, I dont want to go to this park it seems scary.

TOMNALD B: Me too!

DAD: I don't give a damn, you kids better enjoy this park because it cost me 35 bucks to get in!!!

Just then, the trees move to the sides and reveal the logo of the park:

"JURASSIC BEARS"

A scary sounding music is heard.

DAD: Okay now according to this map we should be able to see some jurassic bears right over...

TOMNALD B: DAD the electric fence is out of batteries! Some one forgot to put in a fresh set of BATTERIES!!!!

DAD: Oh... MY... GODDDD!!!

Then a bear comes, its like a huge brown bear and it goes RAOAR and eats the dad in half.

The kids run the fuck away from this grim party of peril and hide behind a tree.

NEXT DAY

The kids are running out of food and shelter and are hearing thumps from a REALLY bigass bear in the distance.

Big bear: RAROOOOOO!!!!

Kids: OHLY FUCK THATS A BIG BEAR (they said it together and the cameraman starts laughing)

Just then a bear with a really long neck in the distance howls because hes been eaten by the coolest bear ever.

Kids: oh man we gotta get out of this Jurassic Bears (I think I get 5 cents any time someone in the movie says it)

Just then a bear with a Raptor head pops out, as if to say "where do you think YOURE going!"

Kids: We should have taken a trip to Walt Disney Land or something!! *wait for the audence to stop laughing*

Just then 2 half dinosaur half bear hybrids pop out and maul the kids, turning their asses into grimy ass hamburger meat. dead.

The end.

*CURTAIN UP*

Sarge's Scary Stories in the Dark!!

2010-11-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Sarge read a story from Scary Stories to tell in the Dark, a children's book about scary stories, and he thought "I can do better than THIS!" Here is his first scary story (halloween!!!! boo).

Sergeant Facepuncher MD was a kindly young man who lived in a huge mansion with his hot girlfriend. His girlfriend was so hot all of the people that saw her said she was hot.

One day, Sarge got up from bed and walked over to his girlfriend who was in the kitchen. She turned around and blood was coming out of her mouth!!! Sarge was like "Good thing I'm a doctor, except this seems too serious, MY WIFE IS DEAD!!!" And sarge was very concerned. However, then his girlfriend started laughing and was like "Hahaha, just kidding you handsome mule, it's only KETCHUP, I was playing a joke on you." Sarge was like "NOO!! That is the Poison ketchup I was saving for my WORST ENEMY!!!" Then the girlfriend started to choke and wheeze and crashed through a window. Sarge looked out and her lifeless corpse was falling down towards the highway, and it got hit by a suburban.

Scarrryyy scaryyyy right kids? Don't show your kids this, it's too scary for them. And keep POSION KETCHUP OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! - Sarge

WELLLL WELLL WELLL

2009-11-14T22:26:00.001-08:00

Sarge here.

I just read in between the lines in the new article about 2nd life Rambo Jackson. But then I got distracted and pelted with wet lemons in the courtyard.

Some kids had apparently stolen some lemons from the courtyard.

ANYWAY thats not what I am talking about. When i was a young boy I ate nothing but TOASTER TOTS from morning till night. They are INFUSED with IRON and they have SEDIMENTARY MUNCH OF KINGS! Here is the advertisement for them!

Now i have an inventioned: "TOASTER TOTS". I will be selling them on my site from now on.

buy now, 12 dolars.

What do you know looks like I gota nack for this stuff!!!!

Pumping Iron

2009-11-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

This day is a day for all to rejoice and hold hands! For Sarge has received a package via CURSEMAIL and what is it exactly but a "1000 MUSCLES: WEIGHTS 4 MORE TITS KIT" This means 2 more tits on your CHEST in the form of POWERFUL CHESTMUSCLES and 2 more in the form of a beautiful boxom bloande on your arm. This totals four of course, and SARGE is the one who comes out with the cash!!!!

Anyway, when these arms of glory are finally laid to rest (after achieving several thousand bulletholes and medeals shaped like a golden bullet), they will have slain vast armies of dead and undead alike. You may say, "Sarge but hold on STOP! I am on your side", but this will only serve one purpose. To make your new gravestone look like a STUPID BOWL OF SHIT!!!

You don't want that, and I don't want that. So if you see my arms coming around the corner in a reflective bulb of some sort, pretend you are a chunk of dirt or a veggie sprout or something which doesnt puke up blood when i PUNCH THE PISS out of its SKULL.

Also, you might be wondering what I did with your last will and testament. Well let's just say I did some changes around here!!!

YOUR WILL WHAT IT USED TO SAY:

"Give my wife my stuff"

YOUR WILL WHAT IT SAYS NOW!:

"Sarge gets it all (Fortune and FAME) (EVEN THE KITECHN SINK MUST GO!!!)! No excepations! 50% OFF ALL family members heads who COMPLAIN, their head gets chopped half in half, and one half goes to the ocean and one half goes to the desert, GOOD LUCK GETTIN' EM BACK TOGETHER HAHAHA!!!!"

Water: It tastes like CRAP!

2009-09-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

This morning when i thrust out of my beddings, I was so thirsty that I drank a can of water. "Ugh, what is this bogus dish?" I shouted into the mirror. Turns out it was "Water", a disgusting blend of hydrogen, atomogens, oxygen, and high fructose corn syrup. I throwed the can into the air and then pulled out my Gauss rifle to bid that broad goodbye. "BANG" the can said as it was struck by a lightning round of Gauss!

That mystery was solved, but the problem is, what the hell? Because I found out that over half of the population has water coming into their home. Yet it tastes like if you dropped a small dog into a vial of blood, shook it around and said "merry christmas". No thanks.

The first place I looked for answers was the monstary. Apparently, these bald monks believe that when they die, their bodies will become two thirds water! For this reason, they take all their hair and chop it off with a rusty katana, "so That each strand might feel anguish as it crumbles to the ground like a dusty gargoyle!" (Page 1, The bahdhavraghita). I met a man named Jonald Monk, he was very kind, except for until I told him that water tastes like a rusty grape! He assumed a vacous Doom stance, to which I replied with a Raucus Tumbler! Taken aback by my mixed martial artistry, the monk was too surprised to defend himself. I was then in a position to strike. I whispered a zesty word into my watch, and in a moment the monstary was surrounded by KICKASS SWAT TEAMS!!! The monk finally surrended. Later that night, he was on his knees with his hands behind his head, and I took my gun and said "Goodbye, ass-hole" and shot him in the face! He survived though, and now we're friends.

Anyway, water is disgusting, and I don't drink it anymore. I only drink RAPID ALE, the only ALE that shoots into faces so fast I can't even tell what is happening. If you are thirsty and looking for a bed-time snack, I recommend TROPICAL BRONZE BEERE. It's Tropical! And finally, for when those Christmasy jesus types appear at your door, I recommend you invite them in and give them ARNOLD GAUSS' IRON TEA. It is tea, except it's just solid iron, so then they pour it out on their face it will knock a tooth out n' give em a fat lip(While they're complaining you can steal their tie!)! Don't say I didn't warn ya!

SArge Review! "PS3 SLIME"

2009-08-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well well well

Look who comes CRAWLDING BACK...

So as many of you noticed, I had talked about the original PS3 with much Distaine, saying things like "not 'nuff Slime" and "slimeitUP!". Well the goopy preistess has returned in the form of PS3 SLIME, the goopiest princess of them all. What are the games?

BATMANAGER 2000: ARCADE ASYLAM: good game

MACDONALDS TROPHY WIFE: good

RAMPART 350: sucks (there is bricks in this game)

METAL GEAR SOLID: sucks

TEKKEN 1 REBOUND: good (new punches and a new kick)

BIGG-KNIFE KNIFES HIS TROPHY WIFE: Say senor!!!

RACING RINGS: LORD OF THE RACING RINGS: Fast pacin' face racin SIGN ME UP PA

THE GENUINE PROPHECY: sucks

FAT PRINCELETS:

So as you can clearly see the PS3 slime is great. Also, when you plug in the controller, it probably makes a gushy grimy gooshy sound like "SCHPLOCK" or no like "SCHHHHLAK" or like "FFFWWOOOP-OP-OPPPPPP" sorta. also it is fun to play but I dunno i havent tried it

Baseball: EXPLAINED!

2009-08-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well it's baseball season folks! Batter Up!

DOG: "woof ! I broguth your ball back to you

KICKASS SARGE: "thats not a ball thats some crap, now you shall die!!!!" sarge pulls out a revolver and says "kiss the sky creep" then shoots his dog in the face. :)

Seriously though folks, if you have ever had this problem then you know what I'm talking about: BASEBALL. In baseball there are many teams each vying for victory. We will go in depth about the rules, players and scoreboards for the final season.

RULES: One man stands on a pillow and uses a gun that shoots balls to send the other men scampering about in fear. The first man to be hit with a ball is considered "out", which is actually a good thing for him, because after that a character named Mr. Met comes out and starts headbutting families until one team wins! This creates a tense situation where everyone is like "call off the stupid game, dont you realize a man has been murdered???" The first team with the most points wins!

PLAYERS: Everyone knows Daryl Strawberry, because he is famous. But most people do not realize there are hundreds of thousands of new baseball players every year. Professional baseball fans learn about each new man, his favorite "battying angle", and how much lunch he needs daily. I prefer not to know who these men are, because some people have better things to do than watch "baseball".

SCOREBOARDS: Here's where it gets interesting!

SEASONS: During the winter, baseball men usually sleep face down in the dirt. They are dirty people. During the spring, they awaken, their faces all dirty with dirt and anamal feces, and they are like "what where am i". After weeks of this they finally clean their faces but then they look into the pond and see their reflection and say "i am hideous." In the winter, they start playing baseball, but it is too cold to do anything so they just sit there and the commentators do all the work, imagining people having fun, like this:

"Oh man if teddy ruxpin were here he would be kickin' the goal line over from excitement! Look at that! A bird just flew away, i swear! Also, guess what? I just thought about a spaceship full of dragons crashing into an ASTEROID!!!!!"

Then finally, during the month of Summer, baseball players put down the hat and gloves, and get ready for next year (this includes some weightlifting).

BEST PLAYER: Johnald "Jayjay JJJ" Johnson, of the San Antioni "2NDBASERS". He hits a home run every time and he runs at the speed of light. he also can do a hand stand as seen here: youtube video link.

Anyway, baseball definitely exists, but I dont know things about it.

NEXT WEEK: "ALL YOUR FOOD IS MADE OF POISON" - A staunch look into the minds of your food makers who put a lil' poison in there just to sorta, i dunno, mess you up a little!!!

Starcraf 2 SPECIAL about the NEW RACES!

2009-07-21T00:40:00.001-07:00

Metal Lords - These are ancient IRON GHOSTS from the PAST... you hear this creaking sound and then you look at your hands and your cudgel has MELTED from fear!

The Skeleton Demons - They got the most power

Balloon People - These people may look fat at first glance but they actually are made of rubber - hHOW DO YOU KILL WHATS ALREADY DEAD?!?!!

The Crushing Gods - these gods specialize in one thing: slamming your pulp into a chunky gel and then wafting you off the edge of the universe!!!!

there are also three "bonus races" which can only be unlocked by sending a 30 dollar PAYPAL to blizzard.com:

The numberneers - They can crunch math alright, but this time "it's a boy" if you get my draft.

The Cooks - you name it, they cook it INCLUDING THE OPPOSITION? Thats yet to be seen.

Gunmen - these suck

Thanks for paying attention to my Preview! keep hoping!!!!

Guess whatITS GAUSSBOMBS

2009-06-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

So a lot of you are probbaly thinking, "What the F happened to Michael Jackson??? He was just dancing on my TV and now he is dead HARD on a cold slab?" Answer: Got Gaussbombed?

The truth is, Gaussbombs have been flying around a lot lately. My friend Kevin or Tommy recently was GAUSSBOMBED TO HELL in a game of Halo (WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!!! just kidding). But gaussbombs are nothing new. Just because HALO 2 came out and (now halo 3? What in the world? Gosh!)."

So now I know what you're thinking. Let me guess what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sarge, I want to USE this gaussbomb technology - on the face of the human race!" Well, too bad. You can't.

There is one way that you can but it will require a lot of Tactics, Smarts, and goddammit, only the Coal-kickin' card-holder SARGE can fit THIS bill. Throw a SAVAGE DISCUS at the problem - and when it explodes, you know who will get the most blood. It's sarge. I think so.

You may be wondering "how can it be? Gaussbombs weigh like 100 pounds and thats when im DRUNK! How do you do it every day and RAMP UP THE HEAT for hte competeition????? WHat the HELL!?!?" The answer is twofold. One: I pump chow all goddamn day. Two. My gaussbombs have a easy to carry handle! You can slide the handle off and put it in your wallet, in your bed, or in your lady's drink for a night she won't recall......

Anyway, I hope that I have helped you a lot, I know that I have, and I leave you with a Poem. It is called "Poem of Glass (I am a Poet now)"

"I sing you a Poem of Glass
I gaussbomb your ass
I guassbomb your ass
First I go AWOL in a totally cool helicopter
and bust a fat bomb up your fat ass bitch"

Thank you.

How To Fix a Fuckin CAR

2009-05-07T23:51:00.001-07:00

Sarge Here ! Today's artical deals with the tremedously (SPELLING BEE HINT: it means many) important topic of Car Repairs. We will deal with the biggest problem first, this is a problem that hundreds of hot women have and they come up to me about it and chat. This is what they say:

1. "My Car's Broken!"

Don't worry, Sarge'll have a look-see, I tell them. Then I go to the car, perform a SMASHKICK on the hood until it opens, and then I say "heres your problem right here" then when they look, I look at them and shake my head and think to my self "what a DUMB IDIOT you are, you stupid dumb dumbass prick." They obviously didnt read my blaog because look what we have here!:

2. "There's a Banana stuck in the pipe"

Some J.O crammed banana guts into the tailpipe causing all kinds of rampant graphite combustion and loud bangs. So I reach in there with a spoon and a goblet and i aggresively SPOON OUT that jazz into the goblet. Then, then next morning i usually dump the dirty smooshed banana on her face while she is sleeping and have the guys over to come over to her place and play some HALO!!!! She did get her car fixed but now she looks RIDICLOUS!

So we start on level 1, where you fight the Aliens. My friend Tommy had a pusle rifle and he kept shooting the alien and i was like look at your hand its all greasy, stop getting so worried that I am going to beat you. Which brings me to my third point

3. On the 4th level after a big cutscene involving the character "Master Cheif", there is an alien hiding behind the door with a LASER [Warning that was a bit of a SPOILER]. Dont be like Tommy and get your ass GAUSSBOMBED by a goddamn gatling LAZER.

If you can manage to get to the end of the game you will unlock a special CLOCK/CLOAK ability which allows you to TRAVEL TIME UNSEEN! The aliens are going to be sorry they messed with YOU. Also there is a code you can push at the beginning, its ASDF and if you type it you beat the game. PS one of the aliens looks like a frog

I hope that i have helped you in your quest!! KEEP SHOOTIN' GRAND-MAAAA! I leave you with the US Marines Corpse Singalong Slogan:

"Kill 'Em Now, Or Kill 'Em Later, Kill Their Dads And then Fall In Love"

Sarge on SWINE FLU

2009-04-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

Whoaaaa!!!! Don't lose your balance, kid!

That's right, the SWINE FLU is here, and that means its time to rassle up all your medications, crunch em' down into a fine powder and make some KOOL AID with it. Beleive me, once this pig flu gets its filthy grips on you you're gonna die, so You'll need all the help you can GET!

Swine flu, or "pig diseased" as it is known in the commercials, involves you getting whats comin' to you in the form of an AIRBOARNE VIRUS. Your field of vision will become CLUTTERED with blood-drenched popups of DOOM, saying things like "CLICK HERE TO AVOID A POTHOLE" and you'll try to click there, stabbing out your own eye, and then falling in the pothole too, ya chump!

Several doctors have been dispeatched to the scene, where there have been 200 or like 1000 dead bodies with a GRIMACE on their face. SARGE went to the scene and did some interviews.

DOCTOR STEVENCE: "THE OPPONENT WAS FOUND DEAD & DOA ON THE SCENE. I TOUCHED HIS HEART AND IT WAS LIKE TOUCHING A COLD LEMON, I TOLD HIS WIFE I LOVED HER AND WE ARE GOING TO LAST VEGAS!!!!"

NURSE WILLIAMS: "I LOCATED THE CORPSE UNDERNEATH THE GIGANTIC CELERY STALK. THE CORPSE WAS SAD. I KICKED THE CORPSE TO MAKE SURE IT WAS DEAD. THEN IT MOVED!!!!! BUT THE DOCTOR SAID THATS BECUASE I KICKED IT HE IS SMART AND I THINK HE AND I ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER"

A NEARBY VOICE: "I SAW THE DISEASE COME OUT OF THE GROUND, IT SPRAYED AND SPRAYED, JUST LIKE A VOLCANO OF DISEASE!"

ANONYMOUS: "MY NAME IS LENNON."

Pictured: A photograph of the PIG LORD, which I drew in like 2 seconds)

THats right! Next time someone asks you WHO DID THE REPORTING when Swing disease killed Grandma & Grandpa, IT WAS ME. PS. also I crunched some dude this week who was parked in my spot i was like "YOU WANNA GET JACKHAMMERED CREEP?" he was like "no cmon stop" and i just took a bunch of hard oats and rubbed them in his eyes HOW DO YOU LIKE OATS? HUH? ANSWER ME DO YOU LIKE OATS OR NOT????

-Sgt Facepuncher, M.D.

Poltics 2009. Sarge talks it big.

2009-04-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

So there are 2 issues on the table these days, now with Jon McCane dead and barack obama desecrating his disgraced cadaver. As you probably have heard by now, they are "Gaysex Marriage" and "torchering". Both have their pluses and minuses but there's one thing is for sure: WE CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE WHICH IS BETTER!!!

Let's go in depth, while your mentor SARGE breaks it down to you!

Gaysex Marraige: This unholy act... i shudder to think. GROSS-HOWEVER...

Torchering: Let me tell you I was in the war (EVERY war), and torchering ISNT RIGHT. I caught one guy in a foxhole torchering his little brother and let me tell you, right now there is a satan worshipper using his TEETH for an SPELL of MASS DECAPITIATON.

But regardless, this summer we will have to vote on PROPOSITIOAN 2000: Gaysex Mariage or Torcher bill. Which will you vote for???

I am voting for gaysex marriage, and here's why (WARNING: ARTHITMTATIC INVOLVED)

gaysexmarriage = (HAPPY GAY GUY (2 points)) + (HAPPY GAY GUY(3 points) + NORMAL MARRIAGES all turn gay and gross (-4 points)

Torcher = (hang someones head upside down so they see thier own stomach hair!!! hahahaha!) -5 points

So if you do the math, you will see the choice is CLEAR. "Learn it and Make it Happen". remember that!

-Sarge

Sarge Investiagions EPISODE ONE

2009-02-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes things seem to "Phase" into and out of existence, like theres a mirror and then a picture of a damn bicycle floats out and then the next minute its practically gone? This sounds like a job for SARGE in his INVESTAGIONS.

First off, I am a profesional. You don't have what it takes. Don't try it yourself you will be reverted back and crushed into your grave.

First you will need several tools (like a wrench I guess or whatever). Then you can move on to step #2:

First, step into the mirror entering a trans dimaiensional portal, and hence, a new world. Sometimes a new world will be born at the flash of the moment. You will see some lights and it will be a reporter, he'll ask you about if you know who killed anybody, just say "no to all" and he will quickly remove himself.

Once you're in a new dimeonson, you might want to make a new friend. Walk to the parlor across the street (IF THERE EVEN IS A PARLOR, god damned wacky worldes!) and ask the wench for a tap of Ale. She will have a sterling Bosmo which you can glance upon quickly but if she sees you then you will need that hammer I talked about for self defense (hammer her face in! kill her!!!!!)

Next you will need a place to live, perhaps an old log or a honeywood mansion will do. I recommend the guy named Chugs, he lives at 255 crescent street. He's 5 10, 200 and fifty pounds, and gott attitude?? HELLLLL YEAHHHH. Chugs will be your loyal mate throughout the rest of your time in Marksdam Post (thats the name of the town you landed in i bet).

Throughout all this fun and games you might want to check if you were plugged into the internet. I saw this motive "The Matrix Trickssters" and it was about a gang who thought they had the upper hand but at the end of the movie Keanu reeves reaches on his back and feels a CORD!! and then he goes "Oh damn it was all a dream!!!" and then it cuts to him really quick as a humming bird which i guess is his "true form" real quick and then it says THE END and then the machine spits out the VHS tape and it falls on the floor. (If this happens, and you rented the tape from Block Buster, i know a guy who fixes Block Buster tapes, he also has a wild-o guitar habit, he can play you some of his new CD! His name is Ron Clifford btw)

Probably the tape will be fine, and you will end up being like "What did I just waste my time for?" but then you will look over on your pillow and theres a big pot of beer just sitting there waiting for someone to drink it. So here's how the math works out:

Don't take sarge's Advice:

u get NOTHING for winning (i mean losing), and maybe a HS displomba for winning or something

Take Sarge's Advice: (this is the good one)

u get an ETHEREAL experience which u can hold over your friends head, and if you lose? So what, you were on the internet looking at some weird picture for like 20 minutes, big deal, so what who cares?

Anyway I hoped this helps.

PS do not read this article (if you are afriad of ghosts becuase you might see a ghost between your eyes and the screen and I dont want to be responsible for the poop bills.

Sarge Is A GAME DESIGNER NOW

2008-12-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

Guess what! Sarge has been asked by the Presidential Dungeon-Mate "Codename: Lewis" (he works at Microsoft) to make a game for the XBox 350 Gaming Console! For the first time ever you will now be able to see THE MAGIC HAPPEN right before your eyes. The following is what's called a GAME DESIGN DOCUMENT, and it's what makes the MAGIC HAPPEN.

Pictured: Gun

I will start with the most important thing and go down the list

GUNS

we have 16 rocketguns and 256 kinds of flame throwers

GRAPHICS

The graphics will be the best graphics ever, they will make CALL OF DUTY look like CALL OF SHIT. Sorry but it's true. Here take a gander at some of my Features:

1. 3D Phog Shader 10000000.2 - Best fog shader/alerter. Best.

2. 3D Crystal Shiner 10000.5! - Ok you know how whenever you see a crystal in a game its like "haha ya right that looks like a dinosaurs butt on COKE", well no more.

3. Outsource Engine Pixel Relaxer - Need I say MORE? It's freakin' 3D as hell!!!

STORY

IGN will be giving this game a 10.0 becuase of the story and how good it is. It will be about the fairy angel "Maudalaine" and she falls in love with a priest but he can't have her over for tea because the archbishop is coming over!! (LOL Honey withhold the sex please with my sandwitch!) Besides there will be an action scene involving a PRIVATE SHOOTOUT

MUSIC

Whats the one thing you look for in a game when you are looking in a game for some music in it? if you're like Me, it's a big beat of drums and some EPIC chants. Our game's Got 'Em (This will be a recurring slogan in the ad campaign. It will be like Infinite Levels? OUR GAMES GOT 'EM. Rad Cheats? OUR GAMES GOT EM. rude titties? u can probably GUESS WHTA IM GOING SAY NEXT!!!)

hmmm what else am I forgetting? Oh yeah!

CUTSCENES

Don't worry this will be good too. Definitely at least 90-95 high council scenes

Well that's a game! When it is release I will let you know but it is for a new system called the Y-BOX 2000 and it costs like 500 dollars and the game costs 100 dollars and theres a controller that costs 100 dollars too.

Edit: Some one told me i should also add in some gameplay... i dont have any clue what to say about it - you press the button and the bad guy dies,, there you happy?

World of Warcraft WRATH OF LICH KING review

2008-12-10T22:28:00.001-08:00

OK you want your "Golden Boy" Sarge to do all your work for you? Here's a review:

"WORLD OF WARCRAFT: THE LAND OF THE LICHA KING" has been released this past season, and boy was it worth the wait!

If you donot have this game, maybe you should go get it, because why not? Here's my

SARGE'S 15 REASONS WHY World of WarCraft is the BEST GAME EVER Probably:

15. It has 100s of players each with a unique ID and beast register. This means 100s of KILLS if you are as good as me!

14. Slaughter prisons. Since 1998 i dont think theres ever been a game that had a slaughterprison, and for good reason - they're Great! Go Blizzard you did it right for once ya dumb jackass!

13. The 4 Races. "Night elf" are Sexy. Orc are "Fully Strong". Human are "Powercloud?? I dont think so." (kind of an attitude thing with the human, also they have blond hair). And theres another race but that race will be #12 becuase its so great

12. The UNDEAD - this race is full of zombies, goblins, ghouls and fire monsters. If you defeat an UNDEAD player you immediately get some experience. How's THAT for a lineup???

11. A movie - When you start the game it shows you a LONG movie explaining how the LICHA KING has a power so vast, only you can stop him (And 100s of your buddy clans!!)

10. Buddy Clans - This is great. It's like AOL instant messanger except in 3D! You can add your friends, type to your friends and even have some kickin' funny talk about lifting up your shirt! Don't let your Beast see what's in These Jeans! (just kidding)

10. Strategy - As most of you know this game OPENS UP AT LEVEL 60 which means that it has a powerful set of rules that is like a STRATEGIC HURRICAN the likes of which Saddam never wished on his worst nightmare. For example, with my level 61 WARLOCK character named "Player Name", I am able to press several buttons and it's like I am having fun.

9. So easy a child could do it - I dont recomend you treat your child to this game though becuase otherwise he will not enjoy sexual encounters

8. Did somebody say, "Viking Helmets?" Yup, they finally went in the game, you can get a viking helmet and put it on your head, torso, pauldron, leg, kneehigh and several others. My current character only has several Helmets equipped righit now becuase he complains of chest pains if I put any more on.

7. Great Graphic! Look at that - BEAUTIFUL! It's like when you're on the beach and a piece of sand rolls in from the coast, and you look over at your sweet-toothed honey, and say "I love you". And she also says that.

6. So many wolves to kill, and I hate wolves. Whenever I kill a wolf in real life I go "I wisih this was WWoarld of Warcraft so I could kill you again in 1.7 miutes you *EXPLETIVE DELETE*

5. Did somebody say, "Fire breathing bird?" Yes! Fire breathing bird is unlockable once you recieve 86 billion points (What is this the NATIONAL DEFICENT? I dont have that kind of money what do you think I'm made out of TREES?)

4. The only bad thing is that it costs 15 dollars per month to play =P Plus it gets boring fast

3. Did somebody say "Lookout Towards?" Yes lookout towards are now in the game, you need to get the right quest though, and it's hard to get because you need to be really good at the game or you need to just talk to the guard in the first city

2. "Friends are what Make it Count." It's an old adage to be sure (ps you may have noticed I sound smarter than ever. good) but it doesnt get not true just becuase its in Pixels instead of Piecrumbs. You like your friends and your friends like you.

1. FINAL REASON

I haven't played the game yet but I hear there are 80 more levels!!! "DAMN SISTER". Here are just a few

Forgotten Prisons Isle
Isle Prison of Lost Prosin
Book of Souls
Bank of Souls
Bark of Sand
Sandy Place (aka The Place)
Which WAy Do I go ville! (This-a way! No, That-a way!!!!!)
and Satan Club, this is the last level I WILL TAKE ITS SECRETS TO THE GRAVE WITH ME!!!!

Anyway if you have like 70 or 80 dolalrs you should spend it right away theres no sense holding onto it. Maybe get this game or something else but the point is.... 80 moooore levelss (tease!)

Anyway I hope you have fun with the game and I learned a lot from doing this review.

Anyway Leave a comment if you disagree.

Also I was on the radio last week

REVIEW: Bat Man 2: Dark Knight Legasy REVEALED!

2008-12-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

OH no here's another whopper. Sarge @ Large review

Well that's what I thought going into this movie but now I know the difference. I watched this movie in my Presidental Dungeon last night, and let me tell you: It's got some violence but not too much. Mostly, after you see Bat Man do a dumb kill on a grossly outnumbered foe "The Jokers", then the Joker lead guy starts "waxing poetic" about how batman wouldnt survive for 2 seconds where he comes from (WHAT? LIKE THE MENTAL INSTITUTION?)

Anyway, several kills later Bat Man finds himself as usual at the gates of a mighty castle where an even more unholy champion resides inside. This is the best scene in the movie because you hear that guy "two face" do a cackle and it echoes through the mountainside like a biblical song about Satan. Anyway then batman throws a bat-disk at the castle and it flies in the window and goes in the computer where Two Face is sitting (His name is HARVEY DENT) and it shuts his computer off in a flash! Two face goes "Aw man I was *READING* that" and its so funny because the crowd started laughing in the theatre. But then TWO FACE tries to turn his computer back on by pushing the ON button, and it doesnt work anymore guess why? Because BATMAN put a VIRUS on the disk, now Harvey looks like you gonna have to buy a MAC next time! But then harvey DEnt AKA TWO FACE goes to the apple store and the guy who works there happens to punch him in the face and then he is sent to jail. Kind of makes you wonder hey, this isnt a movie about some guy who worked at an Apple store is it? But then you see the little apple logo on batman's car's crotch and you're like "Oh" becuase you realieazed it IS about an apple store. Anyway the whole movie was a DAMN waste of time, there is ZERO action (besides several punches and quite a few doodads throughout are LOADED with EXPLODIVES!!!!) . There are no stars in it, the main guy I heard died from an anyuerism right after making the movie becuase, and he will always be remembered by his noble quote which i now am reading from his stout tombstone: "HELPI DIED!".

The final scene Jessica Rabit gets unclothed slowly, suductiely, and Bat Man is like "This is great, keep doing that and soon I will have a Bat-PROBLEM in my PANTS" but then it is soon revealed he was just kidding in this part and the film abruptly ends with the sound effect of a screen door closing. scary stuff.

Overall, I give it a 10/10 and i would reommend you see it becuase it starts MORGAN FREEMAN and there is rampage rape boats. whoops that's not in the movie whoops

Are you have GOT to be KIDDING me

2008-12-06T06:02:00.000-08:00

WHO put a DEAD ANIMAL in my woods?

POLITICS: YOU KNEW i had to have was going to do it!!!

2008-10-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like it's that time of year - Birds are roaming, the sky is turning all kinds of things, and most importantly IT'S NOVERMBER 4, the Election Day! Time to elect your man (or woman as is the case for SOME people).

I don't know who you might be rooting for this season, but I know I have my "pick o' the pack" selected out for myself! I have run through a long list of all the politicans who are candiates for president (hint: Why didnt they choose me) and i have come up with my two favorite ever candidates:

BARACK OBAME & JOHN MCANE

These are the best two candiadats for presidant and I will tell you why. They both have the intelatctual experiance to be presidant. They both have a plan to fix the war. They both said they will pay my doctorbills. They both are chaismaatic and have a something to say. And call me a quiver but i think they both have a sex appael.

So we can only have 1 of those guys be the presadant so heres how i see it paning out in two good ways:

If Barack Obame wins here's the scene:

BARACK OBAME: Hey Barack Ackmadinajad (Princeof Persia), we both got screwball names, i guess your dad smoked a lot of bloody turbans in his day eh?

Barack A: Yes

BARACK OBAME: Lets just put this behind us and stop making all the bombs huh?

Barack A: OK

See? that worked real good cuz now the bombs got stopped gettin made. Lets see how the other man JOHN MCANE would do it!!!

JOHN MCANE: Look Crap Edwards, I dont need to take any of your GULL! Pull up your pants and act like a man or FEEL THE SEETHING CRUSH OF MY HELL!!! *points a fist at him*

BArack A: I need a Ministry of Pants Changing now that you said THAT! BEcuase I pooped in my pants from all the FEARS you struck in my heart! HAve 5,00 million doalrs!!!

Wow that had a good effect and we even made some DENIRO out of the process! Nice work!

We are lucky to have these 2 smartest men doing our jobs for us! Thanks Barak Obame and J. Mcaine!!!!

RELIGAN: WHAT ONE'S RIGHT?

2008-10-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

WELL here it is Ladies and Gents, the artical you have waited for your whole rat-stink life. Sarge's EXPEDITION into the frontaer of RELIGAN! Perpare for a battle of the mights in this 2000'th centruy old debate about WHAT ONE IS RIGHT!

1 - Christanity - This is probaly the right one i think becuase most peoples moms can be located inside the church chapel at most times of day.

MAIN CHARACTER: Jesus - This guy supposedly had no strength powers, he just said some things about Roman infadels and got beat - bad. then his girlfriend ran over to him and tended to his headwound. Great story, keep 'em comin' GOD!! HAHAHAHA

MAIN TENETS: A "TENET" is not what you would think it is (a large calibar infantry machine gun turret), its a belief sort of. The christians belief if you put a cross on your fore head you are holy and become immune to stabbing.

OVERALL RATING: 7/10 Not bad, it gets bonus for probably being the right one. Kind of a gay hippie charactor just ruined it for me though. Sucks.

2 - Islamism - This is the "Desert Belief" it is called in the Desert. I believe they like moons.

MAIN CHARACTER: Mohamad. He was a powerful warrior who slayed 5,000 immagrants with one chop of his rusty scimitar. Pretty awesome but guess what, bad news: he told everayon in the desart to wear long scarfs, its TOO HOT dummy, what is this Jeopartdy for Kids??!?!? sucks.

MAIN TENETS: Mostly the Islamisists spend their days killing americans but they also believe in not eating cows I think. WHo would want to eat a damn COW thats gross !

OVERALL: 8/10 This reliagion is WAY more cooler than the other one (i forget what its caalled) but it gets some minus points becuase it is probably a lie told on to us by Satan's Mischief.

3 - Hinduism: This is the genre of fighting called "Yoga Flame". Mostly it encourages the stretching of limbs and shootin' damn fireballs librarlly.

MAIN CHARACTER: Dhalism - he is good range fighter with lots of range attack but i would rather play as Ryu becuase of the "dragging upper cut" attack. Either way you can't lose by picking CHUNK LEE!!! (jk) (shes a girl)

TENET: Doing stretching exercise. Not bad but could be cooler like with a sports car.

OVERALL: ??? / 10 This rating is impossible to calculate i do not have all the necesary methods. One thing about being a geniuas is knowing when you don't have the answer and right now I am missing serveral component. I have asked my denizens to work for me on it.

4 - BUDDHAMS: Alloy, A-Joy! It's the reliagon of choise for most intelactuals.

Main CHARACTER: "Buddy" the troublesome warlike dog god. he's REALLY great.

TENET: None viiolence, don't preach it to the choir, "don't stop what you can't handel", many other slogans of wisdom come from this noble religan.

OVERALL: 10/10 Best religan ? Yea. Is it true tho no that crown rests on the Jesus with his bloody sins.

5 - ATHIEST: No! Don't do this one it's gotta be bad for all the relics of sin it's brought upon this great land.

Main Character: "NOTHING" this tribal BS doesn't have any major profits or tenets, i sometimes wonder if they even believe in GOD

TENET: No tenets except "Make Rich Quick" schemes and pyrmaid schemes meant to "Make You Rich quick". THanks but No thnaks im sticking with a Jesus or a even the Marvin the Martian makes more sense than this CRAP!!!

OVERALL: 8/10 Good work but unforutaneyl - YOUR RELIGNA IS EVIL YOU PRICK!!!! hahahahaa just kidding keep putting signs on your lawn that say 'i killed babies'

AGNOSTIAC: Oh no help i need help!!!! that's you.

Main Character: Mr. IDONTKNOWMYNAME, some cartoonish captain who always gets into some hijink where his underwear gets removed and strung up on a phone line, embarrassing.

TENETS: The main tenat is "Dont know anything about NOTHIN'. if you call this a tenit you really seriouesly need to go to the bathroom and PUKE OUT a viscous SWEAR WORD CHUNK.

OVERALL: 0/10 Dumb and Dumber called! He wants his MOVIE BACK

So in concluarions, most religans are crap, but seriously, ya gotta pick one or else when you die it's "ATHIEST HELL FOR YOU". So pucker up and say a damn prayer becuase otherwise, it's "ATHIEST HELL FOR YUO".

THanks !

BIRDS, BIRDS BIRDS

2008-05-27T00:42:00.001-07:00

I have a freiand which I communicate with through a secret panel behind a pile of bricks. He is a "bird afronologiest" which is i think spanish word for "guy who likes birds". He even tells me a little bit about Birds so I thought I'd clear up a couple SEVEN COMMON MYTHS ABOUT BIRDS.

1. Birds are NOT SO FRIENDLY - TRUE - There are all this movie about "Bird gone Wild" and "Follow this bird" and "dont put a bird there" which SHOULD warn you about the danger of sleeping with a bird or allowing 2 birds to guard your children unattended. Well sarge is here to tell you you mgiht as well just put em back in the WOMB and pray for MERCY from ALLAH cuz the birds will eat your worm children like they were A BUNCH OF DAMN WORMS!!!! Keep birds away from all skin rashes because they can smell discomfort.

2. Birds are attracted to TRASHY SIDEWALKS & co. - TRUE - If you have a friend who wears "I'm Just a Crap" shirts, NOW is the time to tell him to start moving his legs cuz you are going to open the door of the car and push him out! Birds simply LOVE anyone who goes to "I & Karaoke" shows or anything Trendy like "MTVs LOud Beats Raps Station", so keep them at an arms distance for your own sake.

3. Birds that can TALK??? NO way - FALSE - YES way. Some birds can talk except theres one problem--- when SARGE talks he "thinks it through", hes got the knowledge and the fortuns to back it up. SARGE knows the in and outs of the city and can point you in a right direction. A damn greasy BIRD? Well he can lead you down a filthy trench so he can steal all your corn and peck your hair out until you go bald from all the BLOOD! So don't listen to a word they say, birds are LIARS KNOWN AND PROVEN.

4. Birds are the oldest known living substance - -FALSE - it is true that birds are the oldest known geometric substance, except it is possible that there would be a monster living in the center of the earth. probably this monster would be made of liquid lava and molten rock and preside at a hot temp. (TEMPERATURE YOU GODDAMN MORONS, ITS SLANG, JESUS GET WITH THE PROGRAM, WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THIS, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR EDUACAATIONS SYSTEM IF EVERY TIME I USE A TECHNICAL "JARGONS" LIKE "LASERITES" or A SHORTENING OR ACRONOM YOU ARE LIKE "WHAT THE???" AND I HAVE TO GO AND EXAMINE YOUR HEAD FOR YOU, GROW A SOMETHING IN YOUR SKUL BESIDES BEING A USEFUL PLANT FOR MY WINDOWSILL). This creature would be probabyl becoming 8,000 years old next week, which would make him older than you or I combined.

5. Birds & Sharks: An unholy trinity? - FALSE - While it is true that the American Bible says 200 gasps of sharks & birds are supposed to collapse our Library system in the year 20212, it isnt likely to happen any time soon. Don't worry about your weird relaigous beleif. I will have to write another sermon on this some time soon.

6. Bird Biologiy? - FALSE - This has been disproven several times but perhaps i need to give you a god damn refresher courses:

1. the Indians invaded Britain in 2000 AD, and during this time Mostradaoumous was reading a lot about birds, he discorever they were mammals and they had a core CPU temp of 90%.

2. Dice Challinger 3D, a British Pope from the year 1999, also discovered some fascinating bird orthinology when he discovered a book about birds which was under the old train tracks behind the house.

NEED MORE INFO? GO FIGURE IT OUT!

7. Last but not least DON'T MAKE GENETIC DNA "BIRD BABY" - TRUE - While it is clear that the long lasting effects of this would be DESASTOURUMS, do NOT do it because it would have lONG LASTING SIDE EFFECTS. A "BIRD BABY" as they are called would not be able to say anything except vicious lies (out of a filthy bird beak? half human??? this is GROTSEUQE!). He would tell the police where you hid all the bodies and he would probably reveal your Secret Security number to the rest of the wrestlers in the ring allowing them to """ring" your neck" with debt"! Let's see you put THAT down as a reason for leaving your last job!

I hope that I have cleared up many of the OUtlandish misconstruancies, some of which have harbored terrorists likely to blow a hole in the side of the building the size of 10,000 grapes. Grapes btw are the birds least favorite fruit, if you must eat something leave them the grapes, eat all the good stuff so that when it comes "Feedin' Time" all they got to eat is those lumpy purple craps.

Game Reviewed: Pokeman Mystery Tunnel: Magic the Magic Dragan

2008-05-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

Hi again chaps, It has been some time since my last post, things have become more murkey in this dungeon over the last months. It seems someone in the medieval dungeon control room has released some hounds at me so, if you get my drift, I "ate the hounds".

Anyway that story is a different story. This story is a review about a new game called Pokeman: Mystery Tunnel: Magic the Magic Dragans. Quite a long name, but you will find out why each part is so important.

1. Pokeman - This character has been loved by many kids, except when i looked it up all what came up was a buncha crap. So I never knew why it was so good until i played Pokeman Mystery Tunnel. Apparently this Pokeman is not just 1 man but several thousand "hunchos", all spread throughout the land, and your job is to as they say in commercials: "Don't get Caught!!". Regardless, my favorite Pokeman is Chilerancher, a 4-pegged desk/drawer combo for business. and by BUSINESS i mean BUSTIN CHOPS, BIG TIME. (You are like NOW I SEE WHY YOU LIKE THAT POKEAMEN SARGE!!!!)

2. Mystery Tunnel - this is just what the level looks like, a bunch of crap you might say but it's actually Random Tunnel tech which has been invented by japenese sailers during several of the world wars. When a random "Seed" would be planted in the planet, spirits come into the computer and guess a random "number" which elevates the hemobobber, (at this point you are like ENGLASH SARGE, I DIDNT GET MY 100 GRADE ON ALL MY TESTS IN SCHOOL). Ok in layman terms, it makes a great Game!

3. Magic the Magic Dragon - This is probably a mistranslation because the japanese title is "star wars 2: the making of start wars" which is translated here into Nogachi Alphabet as:

"Bruce hatguy from Indiana Jones"

Anyway, the Magic is definitely the true part, because you will be using a LOT of it if you play POkemona; Mystery Tunel: puff the Magic dragon, any more than I just did!!! I used a spell called "Carplax" which doubles your money. AT this point I can buy John Maddens intire SPELLBOOK!!!

Final Thoughts: IF you get an extra thirty for your dream christmas this year, consider spending it on a video game called "Pokeman - Magic Tunnel: Dragons". It is worth the money and you can go online and play with a friend!!! This is where the Action really heats up as you can transfer a file such as a mystery dungeon or a photograph of your friend. Hint: Don't pick up that powerup on level 61, it is a big mistake!!!!

RATING:

GRAPHICS: "C-" I see bettar "GRAPHIC" coming out of my balls when i take a dump! (sorry ladieys it could not been have been said better)

GAMEPLAY: "A++" IT IS pretty fun,

MUSIC: "B+++" I LOVE the one song but the other song sound like a barn door got stuck and Tabetha can't escape!

MISC/LOVE STORY/JOYSTICK: "A"

OVERALL? "A" good game save up kids its gonna break you!!

The next post will be about BIRDS, BIRDS BIRDS!!!!

DS Video Games: Sarge finds out whats the HYPE

2008-03-31T11:22:00.001-07:00

I recantly got myself a Nintando Gameboy DS which is really a big chucnk of plastic that i could break in half if i wanted to. I decided to do some game reviews so that your CASH doesn't go to hell like it always does.

First off I will review the new game: ADVANCE WAR 3: DAYS OF RUINS. This game can be got for your Nintendo Gameboy DS, which has a double screen (hence the name "DS Game") so you can watch the Football game while your wife players "ADVANCE WAR3".

First impression of ADVANCE WAR3 was that it had a better graphics than the others put TOGETHER! If you go for tanks don't let them die! Also, it had an internet ability that lets you trade "spacegum dollars" for WAGONS of stuff! This is great!

Rating:

Graphics - 10 - So much graphics, will leave you begging for more!
Control - 7 - Good but what is this thing meant to be controlled by Earthworms?????
Sounds - 7 - Songs had no words to them
Playing it - 8 - I played it

OVERALL RANK: 10!

Next game is the longly anticipated Super Mario Brothers 2! Also for the Nintendo Gameboy DS.
Many of you have been waiting for a true sequal to the Mario game which was originally on Nitnendo 64. Luck would have it, like mario himself says, "here you goooo!!!" This game has double the screens of the last game (it has two screens now) and you can now finally use those blue shells that were in teh last game for something. It's an item and it makes you go hogwild on those cretacious cretins! I played this game for hours because it was fun to play it.

Graphics - 4 - This graphics werent as good as the last game but considering they had two screens i guess it's very good.
Battery life - 9 - The battery on my Nintedo Gameboy DS has never died yet! I can bench press 200 pounds
Music - 5.5 - The voice acting was bad.
Playing it - 5 - nice GAME, whoever deisgned this probably wears his pants on his head for a living, seriously!

FINAL GRADE: 2 - I have to say after 100 years practically (ok that was exagaration, YOU try writing a Log, you take artistic merats from time to time, shows how much you know).

Last but NOT least, we have a new game from developer Sega Genesis, It is apparently a mix of Smash Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog. I could not find any picture of this game Super Smash Brothers MELEE, so I used a picture of a headless monster online:
Anyway you get the drift, it's basically a fighting game with one simple premise: NO ONE GOES HOME ALIVE. this leaves for a power-act like a hammerpunch or a codthrow to have the most victories. When I play games like SMASH BROTHERS, i break the other person's morale quickest. They submit and ask to play a different game.

Graphics - 7 - What the HELL, where is that monster's head? You can't just say he is a "headless" and pretend he doesnt need to wear a head like the roost of us!!!!
Control - 7 - I used an old fashion controller and i had some problems, it wouldn't fit into the controller port for one! outlandish!
Sounds - 7 - you can compose your own songs for the game on Mario Paint. however the game costs 30 dollars.
Playing it - 8 - For all I know, that bus-load of kids who was sent REELING into a bus full of LAVA is all DEAD by now cuz I was just ZONED-IN to this game so long!

OVERALL RATING for "ICEWIND DALE 2" 10!

Thank you for Reviewing my games, next time we will have a more interesting article here about my stay in the Presidantial Dungeon.

10 WAYS TO MAKE THE LADY SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 DAYS

2008-03-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Some of my fans have reported to me that Most of my civilian readers are Guys, aged 20-35 and containing an infinite supply of hair ( to quote an Old villager's song, "cut it off comes right back bloke again"). This brings me to tonights topic:

HOW TO MAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND GO "I LOVE YOU" in 1 DATE.

OK. This will requiare some serious planning, because you don't want it to turn out like a DISASTER where your dead body ends up clogging the pipes in the reservior so to speak, and little kids wont be able to get any water because ur diseased corpse stank it all up.

First off it is a good thing you came to Me. I have many knowledagbel sources, but i usually don't take info from them because I know the knowledge. Let's get to Steps:

DO's

1. No romantic "horny music". This will make you look like a FOOL. No girl likes to hear a song about how much King Louis the 20 or whatever wants to kiss toes to her. outrageous!!!!!!

2. Bring a huge flower from your personal garden. If you bought in in a store GIRLS CAN TELL because it is in a bag that says "A&P" on the side. This can get very embarassing if you mess up. ask a chinese person they will tell you.

3. Keep asking her questions during the movie. If she thinks you care about what is going on in movies instead of staring at her face she will think she loves you.

ps. #3 really works

4. Tell a Joke! Everyone knows the old limerick about the knockout ring of j-beans, but Girls won't laugh. They might laugh but it is the kind of laugh you do when you hear that 1100 iriquois were killed in the morning paper. NO GOOD. Instead, Tell her a classic joke that you make up on the spot like what I always do. "What did farmers do before there was TV? WORK ALL DAY in the Fields mowing down pig crops, baby" *ps BABY isnt part of the joke but if you personalize it like that their hair turns red.

DON'Ts

1. DON'T use any liquaidizer/autocannon while she is watching. If some men are troubling you with loud beats or sextalk, you should ask her to go buy you some conditioner, soap, deodaorant or other toilettries while you do your business. Bleive me, I kill like 150 men in one night and my girlfriend never knows about it becuase she is buying me all this crap.

2. DON'T tell her any information. if she asked you what your town name was, your birtday or last name tell her "ASDF" for each she wont know the differnance. ON ALL CONDITIONS DO *NOT* SHOW HER YOUR VICTORY CARD! I REPEAT! I made this mistake when i was like 2 years old i showed my date my victory card.

3. if she starts yelling about something run away.

if you follow these instructions cluefully, you will have a Beautiful girl saying "I love you" before the clock strickes five.

You don't have to thank me just instead you can spray paint "Sarge Rules" on your car's forehead. thanks for that

Time for a new ERA

2008-03-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

THIS MESage is from Sarge Facepuncher MD, back out "of the grave" so to speak. First i want to say of all the things what's happened when i was in Jail. You may know me from Juno Email, MYKNIFE, or Molewars Reload where I have recentely placed 1st place in all events and crowned king victor.

With spare introductions, Mostly you already know who Sarge "gotta be", and the answer. I have been locked in a Jail prison beneath the bunker where the President lives. He locked me up for releaseing a Book, "XXX: UNDERRATED: RECODED" last year, which would have sold like 1000 copies very quickly. I will get into details about that some time later.

Some recent events came into power that made me shit my hat and ever since i figured out to HACK into the .Govs (you dont know what that is) i have been able to do it. Anyway here are some of the notions that have been floating around that I want to say my OPINON.

1. Presiadant BUSH Goes BONKER? What happen, i thought he was a millioniare nad now I hear he has stolen a Creepy Janitor figurine from a rich man (the janitor was a girl). Sheeesh NO THANKS ha

2. The new movie came out, SPIDER MAN 3, apparantly it's a sequel to movies like Batman and Spiderman. Is it just ME or is it SO MUCH to ask for a super man that doesn't have a pair of eye glasses on his head the whole movie?!?!?! my impressaion: "Help help I can't see! Whats that Mr. Mayor? Musclemen & the Wrestler Team have escaped and want Justice?!?! Oh well let me find my glasses - oops someone fleushed them down tolit i guess it's all going to hell, HEY BY THE Way wheres my GLASSES" nice movie, too bad your date won't kiss a damn golden hobo after THAT soggy sub.

3. Nancey Kerrigan (ice) found GUNNED?

4. A new filme called Rambo came out about a group of mercaneareies (Quote from the Bald mercenary " I kill your ass for 5$ biethc, hahaha that was the best part of the movie"). UNFORATUNALEY, there was a child in the movie which basically drives the point home, "dont kill children its BAD" ok ok sorry GHANDI go back to your cold grave now

5 . i think macantosh came out with a device called the "ipod" which can be carried in a suitcase for maximum vigil. I have not tested the device, my suiatcase is broken and Im trapped in a dark green dungeon.

6. I can't think of any other things besides those 5 but I will continue this Log as soon as the next time occurs!!

Next post will be about Dates! How to get your Date to say HeLLO in that way that says "I Love you" on the FIRST DATE!!! I got a bag or two up my sleeve so keep watch.